33-year-old Clare man hospitalised for PTSD after discovering his mother is not a virgin

Local Health Board officials have today confirmed that they are treating yet another middle-aged County Clare farmer for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

A spokesperson for the Health Service, Physiatrist Dr Olusula Sekibo, (Editor’s note: obliviously not a native of Clare) outlined the medical history of the unfortunate patient at a press conference held at Ennis General Hospital.

“The Patient, who can not be named at this time, was admitted to casualty early last Sunday morning.”

Dr Sekibo told the assembled pack of journalists and then continued.

“It appears that the thirty-three-year-old bachelor overheard some older farmers telling dirty jokes outside the gent’s toilets at his local pub in his West Clare Village.

Our Patient who has up to now led a simple and sheltered life,” the doctor explained. “Put two and two together and concluded that his parents — to use a medical term, ‘must have done it.’

The resulting realisation that his mammy and daddy ‘did the dirty’ seems to have caused what we hope is a temporary psychotic episode which unfortunately has greatly disturbed him.”

This publication has learned that over the past two years fifteen middle-aged bachelor farmers from West Clare have been treated for the same symptoms after experiencing similar trauma.

The Clare branch of the Legion of Mary held an all-night prayer vigil in the grounds of the hospital in support and solidarity with the “poor unfortunate.”

We spoke to the organiser, Mrs Fionnuala McDermott — mother of five from Cathal Brugha Street Ennis who wishes to remain anonymous — who commented.

“We blame the older men, with their filthy minds, dirty English magazines and even dirtier jokes being discussed in the public toilets of our village pubs. Corrupting the youth of Ireland they are.

There was a time when a man felt the need to settle down — around the age of fifty-five or sixty — a good Catholic local girl would be picked for him and arrangements made.”

The Parish Priest would have a chat with the couple on the ‘in’s and out’s’ of starting a family and that would be that. It’s all changed now since that FaceTube thingy arrived.”

In related news, a Help-Line has been established and councillors are available to anyone experiencing similar trauma and who may no longer be able to look their mothers straight in the face.

Local curate Fr Ignatius O’ Sullivan was, at the time of going to press, unavailable for comment, however his house-keeper Mary said ” ’tis shocking, truly shocking.”