Jimmy O’Brien, the renowned expert on everything and former Limerick Taxi driver, has come out and pontificated that the Covid-19 crisis is nothing more than a “great big scam.”
Jimmy, who is known for his deep analysis of all current affairs issues, is considered to be among the country’s leading and most vocal opinionated experts on not only how the country should be run but also on any matter relating to sport.
Jimmy was ardently voicing his opinion while supping a few pints in his local bar, South’s in Limerick City late last night, making the most of the easing of lockdown restrictions.
Nine euro meal just to be allowed buy a few pints
After paying nine euros for a meal just in order to enjoy a few pints, Jimmy chucked the fairly decent roast beef and potatoes into the bin — then took his customary place at the bar and ordered four pints.
“I’m not panic buying nor nothing,” he said to those who were maintaining a social distance around him but were unfortunately for them still within ear-shot. “But with this fecking time restriction thingy in pubs, you have to get them down quick, like.”
After receiving approving nods from those who were stuck listening to him Jimmy continued. “Anyway,” he said, “it’s nathing more than a great big scam, so it is.”
The JFK/Princess Diana Connection
“I’m telling you all here and now there’s no fecking virus. I have it on the best authority that the rumours of a virus were started by those back-room lads in America.
“That’s the same lads that set up the shooting of J.F. Kennedy and Princess Diana, just as a way to get Trump re-elected. And that’s a fact,” Jimmy told those who were unfortunate enough to have to listen to him.
Jimmy, who is also well-known around the pubs in Limerick as a bit of an idiot after once telling other drinkers that the Pope calls him once a week for advice and that he single handily brought about the Northern Irish peace process, went on with his theory.
House party a great success
“Nah, but seriously lads, I was at a house party the other night below in Garryowen. Jaysus, there must have been seventy people at it and not one of them is sick.
“Ok, so a few of the lads have a bit of a cough and the sweats and are complaining of aches and pains but shur, that’s only normal after a night on the auld cans of beer, so it is.”
Jimmy continued with his analysis; “And as for having to wear these fecking masks, Jaysus, that’s more dangerous than anything. Them masks are made from a new type of synthetic cotton that is made in a factory in the States owned by Trump’s son in law.
“The cotton is soaked in a stuff that contains microchips that lets the government track your every movement by this new 5G thingy. And that’s a fact, as sure as God is me judge, so it is.”
We cannot stand behind the comments
In the interest of open fair and accurate journalism, Meanwhile in Ireland cannot stand over Jimmy’s theories. Although we think he might be right in buying pints in fours.
This article is satire. Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend. However, if you are offended, please inform us formally via a letter. You can ensure it gets to us by placing it in the nearest recycling bin.