Trump Golf Course in the west of Ireland has been given permission to build a massive wall to stop foxes, squirrels and other wildlife coming in at all hours of the night to defecate over the green grass.
Members of the world-famous golf club in County Clare are said to be “sick and tired” of not being able to enjoy a round of their favourite sport without slipping in a big pile of faeces.
Plans to build a big wall around the grounds have been drawn up, with Clare County Council giving the thumbs up for building to start this spring.
Retired semi-professional golfer and CEO of the club, Mr PJ Greene, spoke about the enormous scale and general discomfort of the problem.
He said, “This is a massive problem that can’t be ignored. Our members are respectable people and it is up to us to make golf great again for them.
“Our fees are astronomical so the least we can do is make sure the fairway and putting green are clear of any excrement.
“We have nothing against animals per se but they need to stay in their designated area.
“A massive wall is the only way we can make sure our golf course stays crap-free.”
Plans for the wall have been drawn up by the Trump Golfing Committee and signed off by Clare County Council.
The barrier will be constructed of solid concrete before being smothered in anti-climbing paint to avoid sneaky weasels scaling it in the middle of the night.
It will cover the entire perimeter of the golf course including the fairway and putting green, two areas that seem to be of particular interest to animals needing the toilet.
Committee members are unsure of how tall they need to build it but experts advise it should stand the equivalent of around eight badgers (on hind legs) high.
Local MP, Gerry Hunter, supports the campaign and has signed the plans in deer blood.
He said, “Golfers are such nice, hardworking, honest people and they don’t deserve this kind of abuse during their downtime.
“These animals need to learn that it is unacceptable behaviour. They can’t just relieve themselves wherever they want.
“I fully support the wall going up and my five brothers will be the main team of builders on the job.”
Local Animal Rights group, ‘Hare and the Dog’, are up in arms about the plans.
They believe it is “unacceptable” to stop any animal from having a crap regardless of who is ready to tee off.
Animal Activist and local vegan, Carly Kale, has been camping outside the golf club with three friends since plans for the wall were announced four months ago.
She said, “It is absolutely appalling how these beautiful wild animals are being treated.
“They have been around a lot longer than golfers and need to be able to roam free.
“If anyone owns the golf course, it’s them!”
But members of the prestigious club who have experienced the foul-smelling deposits first hand are in favour of the action.
Mr Cliff E. Hanger, an avid golfer and committed member of Trump’s Club, was happy to hear about the plans after staining a brand new pair of trousers.
He said, “I’m sick and tired of my game being ruined by these outsiders coming in and polluting our air.
“I had to put a brand new pair of pillar-box red golfing pants into the bin last week after skidding in s**t on the fairway.
“I’m still trying to clean the mess off my very expensive shoes.”
Building work will start next month.
Miss Kale’s tent has since been removed but she and two friends continue to protest outside the clubhouse.
She said, “Foxes, badgers and squirrels all over Clare are being denied a basic animal right.
“We are their voice and will not be moved!”
The fourth protester, who was spotted in MacDonald’s yesterday lunchtime, refused to comment.