‘I’m tolerant of all people…except Catholics and Gays’ says DUP voter

A DUP voter has dumfounded his friends and family by stating that he is tolerant to all people except for those of the Catholic faith and those who are homosexual.

Sammy Black (32) from Trafalgar Road in East Belfast proclaimed his exceptional levels of tolerance at a family party held late last week. 

“You all knows that I’m a fairly sound sort of a bloke, right? I have nothing against black fellas or lads from India or Pakistan – as long as they’re only visiting – but I can’t stand Gays or Catholics. Do you know where I’m coming from?”

Jesus as an example

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“I mean, look at Jesus. All you have to do is look at his picture to realise that he was a God-fearing Prod. I mean with the long blond hair and the way he said ‘no surrender’ to the fecking Romans.

“I’m sure he would have been a Rangers supporter if he had had the chance,” Sammy said, using up his not so vast store of both historical and theological knowledge.

“I mean, look at those guys ‘who decide to be’ gay. Ok, they are not as bad as the Catholics, at least they don’t try to force that fecking Irish on you.

“But seriously, can you imagine one guy holding another guys hand walking down the Shankill Road — I mean Jaysus that’s just sick, that is,” Sammy said whilst shuddering at the very thought.

Homophobic and sectarian heritage

“I’m proud of the fact that Northern Ireland was voted as the worst place in the United Kingdom for LGBT people, by the International Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans and Intersex Association (ILGBTIA).

“It just shows how God Fearing us DUP supporters are,” Sammy said, as he scratched at his recent tattoo of the Union Jack on his arm. “Let them do their hand-holding behind closed doors or go to Greece or someplace but not here in our United Kingdom.”

“It’s the same with the Catholics,” he continued, as he proceeded to raise his voice and thump the table simultaneously.

“If they really have to be Catholics and speak that foreign language stuff, they should all move back to where they came from, Rome or Israel,” he uttered, not understanding the historical facts he was speaking of.

A friend questions Sammy

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At this point, all Sammy’s friends were half nodding in agreement but at also silently wishing he’d shut the feck up. Sammy was a big bloke with arms on him like bloody tree trunks from all that bashing of Lambeg drums, so they stayed fairly quiet.

One of them, however, did find the courage to question Sammy. “Weren’t all Prods Catholics at one stage before Henry VIII did that entire wife swapping thing and shifted the goalposts around?

“And wasn’t William of Orange Dutch? And we all know how kinky and liberal the Dutch are — wouldn’t surprise me if he was a bit on the Gay side. What do you think?”

Sammy heads to his GAA club

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Meanwhile in Ireland understands that at this stage an irate and lost for words Sammy picked up his hurley and gear bag, stormed out of the pub and drove straight to the local GAA club just in time for training.