A Democratic Unionist Party supporter is being treated for shock today after watching news reports on the forthcoming Westminister elections.
During the news report, Northern Ireland was referred to as being located on the Island of Ireland.
Clive Roberts (40) of South Tyrone is said to be undergoing intensive psychological counselling to counteract the effects of post-traumatic stress after becoming aware of the true geographical location of Ulster.
Dr Ramsey Stevenson, a consultant at Musgrave Park Hospital Belfast where Roberts is being treated, told reporters:
“This is not at all rare in DUP supporters. When you consider the early indoctrination they receive from the cradle through to adulthood it is really not surprising many — especially those not well versed in geography believe they live on the British Mainland.”
“Roberts is a typical example of those whom we refer to as suffering Skewed View Syndrome, a rare enough condition but one that seems common among the DUP.” The doctor said.
‘Not really his fault’
“It’s not really his fault.” The doctor continued. “When you grow up in an insular environment you can’t be blamed for desperately clinging to the Motherland’s apron strings.
“In fairness to him, he spent so much time as a child and teenager learning to play the Lambeg Drum and folding the sash that his father wore he hadn’t much time for schooling.”
‘North of Manchester’
“No,” Dr Stevenson continued, “poor Roberts like many of his generation are convinced that the six-counties lie somewhere to the north of Manchester and the South of Scotland.”
Speaking to the press after an intensive course of cognitive therapy and two large brandies Roberts said:
“Aye shur it came as a wee shock to me, so it did. There I was watching the TV hoping to catch a rerun of the Royal Wedding when this buck-eejit comes on talking about the elections.
“I have to admit to getting a shock when he started gurning on about Ulster being on the Island of Ireland. Well, to say I was shocked would be an understatement.”
‘Great workers those Paddies’
“Like, I knew we had a lot of Paddies around the place. But to be honest, I always thought they came over on the boat to help with the farming and work at the building. Great workers those Paddies.
“In fairness, working in a foreign country can’t be easy for them.” He concluded.
Protests have since erupted in Belfast
Meanwhile in Ireland News has learned that since the news of Robert’s ‘discovery’ broke, an angry mobs of unionists who have also now discovered the world map, have been protesting outside Belfast City Hall.
The loyalist protest group is demanding that Ulster be rejoined to the British mainland. They are blaming “Sinn Fein/IRA for causing the erosion of loyalist culture and the moving of Ulster away from Great Britain.”