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    You are at:Home » News » Craic » Exclusion zone to be put around Westmeath to prevent the spread of Culchies
    Craic Fake News Satire

    Exclusion zone to be put around Westmeath to prevent the spread of Culchies

    Gerald LeinsterBy Gerald LeinsterSeptember 8, 2021No Comments4 Mins Read
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    The Government has announced that an exclusion zone will be put in place around the midland county of Westmeath tonight.

    In a surprise announcement, the Irish Government has announced that an exclusion zone will be put in place around the county of Westmeath to prevent the spread of Culchies.

    The exclusion zone and other additional measures will become effective from midnight tonight.

    Wide-scale traffic and travel disruptions are expected. Local authorities and Gardaí have prepared emergency contingency plans to come into place as soon as the exclusion zone is in force.

    Speaking to the press – a government announcement

    Exclusion zone to be placed around Westmeath to stop the spread of Culchies.
    Credit: Flickr / The Irish Labour Party

    Charles D Regan of the Department for Arts and Culture spoke to the press at today’s announcement.

    “For years now, we have been aware of the spread of Culchieism, which seemed to originate from the Midlands. However, recent scientific research has narrowed down the source of the outbreak to Westmeath.

    “We, as a government, have an obligation to protect the rest of the country and its people from the spread of this disease,” he said.

    Research – in-depth analysis on the spread of Culchies

    The government have conducted in-depth research.
    Credit: pixabay.com / rottonara

    Regan continued, “Our research into this new strain of Culchieism has found that the county that gave us Joe Dolan and one half of Foster and Allen is definitely the probable, likely source of Culchieism.

    “Therefore, we need to take immediate action to avoid the plague affecting the rest of the country. Particularly Dublin.”

    A rat’s arse – Westmeath to face restrictions

    Westmeath is to face restrictions to stop the spread of Culchies.
    Credit: geograph.org.uk / Jaggery

    Regan shared his opinion on the spread of Culchies throughout Ireland.

    “We tried everything from asking them nicely to slagging the buggers off. We even asked them to self-isolate, but to be honest, your typical Culchie is just too thick to take any sort of a hint.

    “So, in fairness, we were left with no option but a great big fecking exclusion zone. So that’s it from midnight tonight, Westmeath will be sewn up tighter than a rat’s arse,” the government spokesperson said.

    He then added, “Serves them right, so it does.”

    Local opposition – not as important as the ham sandwiches

    Local opposition says the issue is not as important as ham sandwiches.
    Credit: commons.wikimedia.org

    As expected, there has been concentrated local opposition to the exclusion zone plans aiming to prevent the spread of Culchies.

    Westmeath County Council called an emergency meeting of its three-county councillors. However, it had to be cancelled as only one of them turned up.

    It is believed that Councillor Jimmy Murphy stayed at home to watch re-runs of the ploughing championships on the video yoke. Meanwhile, the mayor of Mullingar was busy making ham sandwiches for the county finals due to be held in three weeks.

    However, it is believed that four or five lads did hold a protest march for a few minutes in the car park of the Brazen Hussy Pub before going for one or two pints.

    Concerning the protest march, Mayor Hagan commented, “It was by the grace of God that nobody got themselves injured in the crowd. But fair-play to the lads.

    “I’d have loved to have been there standing shoulder to shoulder with them. But the making of the ham sandwiches for the county finals always takes priority here in Westmeath, so it does.

    “Anyway I’ll be buying them a glass of Lucozade later on below in the Brazen Hussy, so I will,” the mayor concluded.

    The zone – designed to confuse

    The zone has been put in place to stop the spread of Culchies.
    Credit: geograph.org.uk / ian shiell

    The zone will consist of a series of roundabouts and diversion signs on all roads leading towards the county borders.

    The plan is, in fact, quite cunning and based on the thesis that Westmeath lads get confused easily.

    Brigadier General Norman O’Shea, who is charged with implementing the exclusion zone, filled us in on the plans.

    “We were thinking of barbed wire, tanks, landmines, and all that sort of stuff,” he said.

    “But one of the lads remarked that Culchies aren’t all that bright when it comes to reading maps and things. So, we have confiscated the one Sat-Nav that belonged to a Mullingar teacher.”

    “We plan to put in a few roundabouts and diversion signs on all the roads. We reckon this will have the Culchies driving around in circles for weeks without getting anywhere.

    “As there aren’t any trains or buses to Westmeath, the plan should work well enough,” the General explained.

    Here is some MeanwhileinIreland advice. If you have been to Westmeath or come in contact with any Culchies recently — well then, you’re fecked, so you are. Our prayers are with you.

    Disclaimer

    This article is satire. We do satire articles because it is great craic and Irish people love it! Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend.

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    Gerald Leinster
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    Gerald Leinster is one of Ireland's most noteworthy journalists, columnists and commentator on Irish and international issues. Often accused of being more right-wing than Genghis Khan whom he admires greatly, Gerald is an Oxbridge graduate. He has authored many best-selling books including the recent ' The Margaret Thatcher I knew and Loved' and his previous bestseller 'Reagan, Bush, and Trump -- Gods of Their Time.' In his spare time, you might find Gerald relaxing on a golf course in Kildare, watching International rugby or dining out in Dublin's more fashionable restaurants. Although he strives for a professional journalistic apolitical stance, he feels strongly about the reunification of Ireland and the UK. He also holds membership of both Fine Gael and Fianna Fail.

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