Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael “to merge” in shock joint-announcement

In a joint press conference that has surprised many, Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael have announced that both parties are to merge and fight the next general election as a single, united political entity.

The announcement came as a shock to all but the most astute of political commentators, who contested that the two always acted as one anyway.

Couldn’t have done it without Fianna Fáil

Speaking at the press conference, John Joe O’Reilly of Fine Gael said; “We in Fine Gael are a decent bunch. We wouldn’t have lasted this long in Government without the generous support of our friends in Fianna Fáil.

“Honestly, we couldn’t have asked for a tamer opposition. ‘Twas like having a well-trained poodle — they’d bark and whimper every now and then but you knew they’d never bite you. They just didn’t have it in them,” O’Reilly continued.

The Republican Party?

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Speaking on behalf of Fianna Fail, Roger Morrissey said; “We in Fianna Fail, ‘the Republican Party’ — Jaysus I suppose I shouldn’t refer to ourselves as the Republican Party any more, should I?” signalling towards his Fine Gael masters before continuing.

“We in Fianna Fáil admit that the chances of winning a tiresome election and getting back into power — where all the good jobs are — are almost non-existent at this stage.

“So, what better way to do it than to join up with a great party like Fine Gael, especially under the great leadership of our new illustrious leader Leo. Did I say that right?” he asked his Fine Gael masters.

A cosy job in Brussels

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Asked by reporters as to what would happen now for the current Fianna Fáil leadership, Morrissey was in no rush to support his boss.

“No one party can have two leaders. Micheál Martin appreciates that, and he doesn’t have half the class or crowd-pulling ability of Leo. Micheál knows his days are numbered — he’ll be fixed up in some nice cosy job in Brussels. He’s ok with that.

“Anyway,” Morrissey continued, “since the Civil War, there has been very little between the two parties once you scratch away all the rhetoric and all of the nonsense we say we do.

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“Jaysus, ok, so the Blue Shirts and Collins gave away the six-counties. But in fairness, I suppose they did keep the better parts of the Island. You have to hand them that.

“Yeah, we had a good run at it for a few years when we held power,” Morrissey recollected. “Jaysus I remember the good years under Charlie and then, of course, Bertie,” said the slightly tearful former Fianna Fáil front-bencher.

Not a hungry builder in the country

“Jaysus there wasn’t a hungry builder in the country. You can’t say we never looked after our own. Hopefully, when we get back to sharing power with Fine Gael we might get the chance to throw a few bob in the way for our old pals.

“That is, of course, when the new Fine Gael are finished looking after the bankers and their other friends,” he said, again hoping for a look of approval from his new masters.

‘Looking after ourselves first’

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Meanwhile in Ireland has learned that the new party under the leadership of Leo Varadkar will be known as the Ag Tabhairt Aire Dúinn Féin Party (ATADFP) — which directly translates to ‘looking after ourselves first’.