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    You are at:Home » News » Craic » Health minister orders 18m barrels of flat 7UP to tackle Coronavirus
    Craic Satire

    Health minister orders 18m barrels of flat 7UP to tackle Coronavirus

    Gerald LeinsterBy Gerald LeinsterMarch 13, 2020No Comments3 Mins Read
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    The Irish Health Minister Simon Harris TD has announced that health authorities will begin distributing degassed 7UP to those experience symptoms of Coronavirus (Covid-19) following a meeting of the country’s Crisis Management Committee.

    Speaking to the press, the minister, who was wearing a Ralph Lauren designed facemask. said: “We have eventually decided to take this virus thing fairly seriously and not being a government that sits around all day doing zilch we have an action plan.”

    The Plan

    File:Simon Harris 2012.jpg
    The Health Minister, Simon Harris TD. Credit: commons.wikimedia.org

    The press briefing was then suspended for a few minutes while the minister searched around in his pockets for the action plan. Unfolding the back of a used envelope which he had eventually found in his arse pocket Harris continued.

    “We are going to give away a rake of free flat 7up to everybody who displays any symptoms or has come into contact with anyone else or even to those who have travelled anywhere over the past five years. 

    “We’re going to concentrate on those particularly vulnerable people living west of the Shannon who might never have learned to wash their hands properly while growing up,” the minister said as he watched his party’s approval ratings drop even more.

    No other country has the Irish Mammie

    “One thing we have in Ireland that they don’t have in any other country in the whole wide world or beyond is the Irish Mammie. And the Irish Mammie — just like me own Mammie did, always recommends the glass or two of flat 7UP for all ailments, so she does.” 

    Minister Harris became clearly teary-eyed and he hoped that by shedding a tear and mentioning his mammy he might reverse the 45% drop in popularity his party had suffered in the five minutes since he began talking.

    Amazing what Flat 7UP can do

    Image result for 7up
    Credit: Mike Mozart / Flickr

    The minister went on to explain: “We Googled ‘Flat 7UP’ and were astounded by the scientific proof that decarbonised soft drinks can work wonders. Incidentally, we also learned that Coke can be used to clean grime of coins and a glass of Lilt taken at half-time if you’re knackered playing a hurling match will give you a right buzz altogether. 

    “It’s amazing what you’d find on the internet. Although when we initially typed in ‘Flat 7UP’ we got a slightly dodgy Snow White adult movie, but we quickly turned it off after an hour and a bit,” The minister confirmed.

    Potential logistics problems

    Image result for falkland islands
    Minister Harris has been in touch with the Falkland Island. Credit: commons.wikimedia.org

    Meanwhile in Ireland understands that the distribution of flat 7UP will begin immediately or over the next few months. “We will have some logistical problems sourcing the 7UP from the few remaining countries not affected by the virus but we have made initial connect with the Falkland Islands which are as yet unaffected,” the minister revealed.


    At present, the best medical advice available is that if you are displaying signs and symptoms of Covid-19 is to isolate yourself in a darkened room. Then sitting down try to remain calm and control your breathing and by putting your head between your legs you can comfortably kiss your arse goodbye.   

    Disclaimer

    This article is satire. We do satire articles because it is great craic and Irish people love it! Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend.

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    Gerald Leinster
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    Gerald Leinster is one of Ireland's most noteworthy journalists, columnists and commentator on Irish and international issues. Often accused of being more right-wing than Genghis Khan whom he admires greatly, Gerald is an Oxbridge graduate. He has authored many best-selling books including the recent ' The Margaret Thatcher I knew and Loved' and his previous bestseller 'Reagan, Bush, and Trump -- Gods of Their Time.' In his spare time, you might find Gerald relaxing on a golf course in Kildare, watching International rugby or dining out in Dublin's more fashionable restaurants. Although he strives for a professional journalistic apolitical stance, he feels strongly about the reunification of Ireland and the UK. He also holds membership of both Fine Gael and Fianna Fail.

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