Jimmy O’Neill (45) of Watery Road, Sligo told friends last night that he came to an epiphany as he was showering three days ago when his mind wandered back over the last twenty years of his married life. “Jaysus, I suddenly realised how lucky and happy I am to have Mary in my life,” he had told himself.
Jimmy revealed the discovery to his friends shortly after consuming his fifth drink of the night. “Seriously lads, I’m fecking blessed so I am and should never be off me knees thanking God,” he told them.
She’s an angel
“Feck she’s an angel,” Jimmy said, beginning to slur his words. “No, seriously lads, ’tis fecking great. I remember years ago when I was single. Jaysus I had to plan everything meself. What I’d wear, how I’d spend me money, when to go out, what class of a car to buy and even what I’d watch on the telly.
“Shur now I doesn’t have to worry about nothing. Mary, God bless her, makes all me decisions for me,” he said while downing another pint and wiping a tear from his eye.
Thanking God
As Jimmy spoke two of his single friends, who had heard this shite before, silently got up to chat up two young-wans down the bar, while the remaining three lads, all of whom were married, nodded in agreement with Jimmy.
Johnny O’Shea, who is married to Jimmy’s wife’s first cousin Angela and who was also showing signs of having a few pints too many said. “Ah, but shur ’tis true for you Jimmy, we shouldn’t be off our knees thanking God, right enough. We’re blessed to have two fine women in our lives — and that’s the truth, so it is.”
Even allowed to watch TV
“Shur ’twas only last night that Angela let me watch the soccer semi-final. Ok, I had to promise to do the washing-up for two months and allow her mother to move in with us, and take a reduction in me pocket-money.
“But in all honesty, she couldn’t have been fairer, could she?” he asked the remaining married lads who were nodding in agreement, afraid to open their own mouths about the matter.
Thinking to myself in the shower
Jimmy continued albeit with more of slurring in his voice. “No, there I was in the shower just having a think about things in general and using the shower gel she bought me ‘cos she likes the smell of it.
“And I was sort of planning which towel she’d allow me to use and trying to remind meself not to drip on the tiles — ‘cos she hates that. And wondering what clothes she left out for me to wear so I’d look good when I’d drive her to do the shopping.
“It just came to me so sudden like, how lucky I am,” Jimmy said, who at this stage was panic-drinking ‘cos he knew if Mary ever found out that he’d gone out with the lads he’d be done-for.
Stockholm Syndrome
Meanwhile in Ireland have handed over our notes of Jimmy’s discussion to our in-house psychotherapist in order to discern whether or not a diagnosis of some kind is possible.
She confirmed that both Jimmy and Johnny, along with the other two married lads who were afraid to open their mouths, are suffering from an extreme case of Stockholm syndrome and all four of them would need to grow a pair.
Disclaimer
This article is satire. We do satire articles because it is great craic and Irish people love it! Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend.
