The Irish Government has announced plans to legalise cannabis from next January.
In what has been described as a bold move the minister for health Simon Harris has told the Dáil that he will introduce legislation to allow for the smoking of cannabis for personal use.
The news has been highly divisive — praised by some sections of the public and greatly criticised by others.
Political Stability
Speaking to the Dáil Harris said, “It’s not only a health initiative but it will also have a major impact on political stability.
“Cannabis has been proven to induce a state of easygoing compliance to those who smoke it — a sort of a relaxing effect.
“And let’s face it the country is fairly up the creek. We need people to chill out and relax; either that or they’ll go completely off the rails.” The minister said.
“To be honest,” Harris continued reading from a prepared script.
“Like seriously, who in their right mind would put up with this kind of crap?” He asked and then continued, “We hope by having a large percentage of the population constantly stoned, they might completely forget about things like: the housing crisis, repossessions, hospital waiting list, overdrafts, rent increases not to mention the stuff that will hit the fan after Brexit.”
White Paper
A government white paper has been circulated showing a range of proposals for the proposed legalisation.
The proposals include: authorised and licensed dealers to be grant-aided, sales of weed to be limited to half a kilo per week per adult and the introduction of a monthly weed allowance for those in receipt of social welfare.
Maintain Public Order
“We in the cabinet have given this a lot of thought,” Harris said. “There isn’t a chance in hell of this government being returned to power if the electorate were to sit down and realise what a mess we’ve made of it so far.
“And that’s not even starting on the stuff that’s coming around the corner.”
He continued,” We at least will have a chance if the population is totally stoned. I mean whoever heard of angry mobs with the munchies rioting on the streets.”
No VAT on Rizla Papers
Meanwhile in Ireland understand that the proposed legislation will be cost negative.
The Department of Finance has carried out a detailed study which finds that the government sees the advantages of a docile population as out weighting the disadvantages of an electorate who might ask some embarrassing questions — especially coming up to an election.
“No, we figure this is the simplest way forward,” Harris said. “If they’re stoned and drowsy, we should get re-elected.” He concluded.
In response to the minister’s announcement share prices of companies manufacturing snack-foods, pizza, chocolate bars and bongs have seen a rise in trading on the Dublin Stock Exchange.
Disclaimer
This article is satire. We do satire articles because it is great craic and Irish people love it! Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend.
