Ireland would have won a soccer world cup had alcohol not existed, scientist claims

Ireland’s failure to win a soccer world cup is directly attributable to the nation’s propensity for excessive alcohol consumption, a recently published medical/scientific study has found.

The controversial report carried out by the International Institute for Sports Studies (IISS) based in Salt Lake City, Utah in the United States was published last month and contains some startling insides into the reasons behind Ireland’s lack of success since the tournament was inaugurated in 1930.

The Director-General of IISS, Dr Elijah Olsen spoke to the international sports press at the launch of the report.

Comprehensive Study

“We have carried out a comprehensive study of Ireland’s performance — or lack of performance perhaps?” Olsen joked.

“During the world cups, it is clear that alcohol played far too great a part in the Irish team’s preparation and training for the tournament,” he said.

“We all know the Irish are great at sports — I mean look at those two rower brothers from Cork or that little boxer girl but seriously, when it comes to team sports the lads would rather go out on the beer than put in a few hours extra training.”

“Down through the years it has become the custom in the Irish camp to ‘go for the few pints’ after training.

“This culture evolves from the Irish tendency to ‘go for a few pints’ at the drop of a hat, and the somewhat suspect policy of the FAI to provide sandwiches and crisps in Daly’s Pub after squad training.” Dr Olsen, himself a non-drinker said. 

Olsen went on, “if you look back even to Ireland’s recent world cup history you can plainly see the effect that alcohol played on both team spirit and management decisions.

“I mean,” Olsen went on. “The whole Delaney ‘Bridging Loan’ scandal — seriously lads you can’t tell me that little earner wasn’t dreamed up in some pub?”

The report also references the Saipan in 2002, when Roy Keane was sent home after saying to Manager Mick McCarthy, ” “Mick, you’re a liar … you’re a fucking w….r. I didn’t rate you as a player, I don’t rate you as a manager, and I don’t rate you as a person. You’re a f…..g w….r and you can stick your World Cup up your arse.”

Olsen commented, “Jaysus there had to be a bit of drink involved in that particular incident.”

Not only the players

Olsen was also critical not only of the management and teams but also of the supporters.

“Look at the travelling supporters,” he said.

“They travel all over the world to support the team but the first thing they do when they get off the plane is to find an Irish pub where win, lose or draw the supporters can be seen singing ‘come on you boys in green’ wrapped around some fraulein or senorita, pissed out of their skulls and having the continuous craic.

“It’s as if ‘it’s not the winning but the getting pissed and having the craic is the important thing.”

Mixed Reaction

Dr Olsen’s report and study initially did not receive much media attention in Ireland.

Until that is, Johnny Fitzpatrick an unemployed mechanic from Coolock came across it on the Internet and brought it to the attention of other drinkers in the pub last Wednesday night.

Reaction among the five pint drinkers and amateur soccer pundits was mixed, with most agreeing with the report’s findings.

However angry scenes broke out when the Saipan incident was mentioned.

However, Meanwhile in Ireland News understands that calm was restored only after someone bought a round.