Irish Culchies must limit themselves to only shagging one sheep a day, Government orders

The terms of the lockdown restrictions in Ireland have become stricter today as the Irish Government announced a further extension in a bid to curb the spread of the virus.

In a surprise move the National Interagency Committee for Lockdown Enforcement (N.I.C.E.) said that as of midnight tonight a limit will be imposed on both sheep farmers and amateur sheep-shaggers on the amount of individual sheep which can be shagged per day.

Taking it in hand

A spokesperson for N.I.C.E. told reporters, “the whole situation was getting out of hand; we have reports of people travelling miles outside the permissible two-kilometre allowed-travel-zone to visit sheep on neighbouring farms. Sometimes even as far as the next parish.” He said.

“We are particularly aware of some Westmeath sheep-shaggers who have organised sheep-shagging events all over that county. These aren’t even genuine sheep farmers going about their lawful shepherding and sheep-shagging daily routines but are busloads of shaggers travelling the county trying to shag as many sheep in a night as they can. That’s why we need to step in and limit it to one sheep per night.”

Traditional pastime

“Look,” he continued, “we know that sheep-shagging is a traditional pastime in many counties, particularly in Westmeath, Cavan and parts of Kildare.

“But we all need to limit our social distancing — anyway it’s not fair on the sheep, many of whom have more than three ‘dates’ a night. We all need to stay home and stay safe so we do.” he added.

“Of course we realise that in some parts of rural Ireland, especially the mid-lands the Broadband connection can be slow and both Netflix and certain adult websites can be inclined to buffer but in all fairness lads that doesn’t give carte blanche for every Tom Dick and Seamus or any other middle-aged frustrated Culchie to go out of a night and shag as many sheep as he can. It’s not fecking Copper Faced Jacks you know,” he said then continued. “The sheep need a shagging break.”

“It’s like the way it was at the start of the lockdown with gobshites stocking up on toilet paper and frozen foods. There is no need for it, honestly lads the Department of Agriculture have assured us there is plenty of sheep to go around, absolutely no need to panic shag.”

One Sheep per night

“We’re allowing one sheep per night per Culchie and that’s it — no messing, you’ve been warned so you have.” The spokesman said scowling to the cameras as he added, “the Guards will take a dim view of those that are found to have shagged more than one sheep in any given night and names will be taken and summons issued, so they will. You won’t pull the wool over their eyes.” He warned.