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    You are at:Home » News » Craic » Irish Government introduce parking charges for long stay hospital trolley patients
    Craic Satire

    Irish Government introduce parking charges for long stay hospital trolley patients

    Gerald LeinsterBy Gerald LeinsterApril 19, 2019No Comments2 Mins Read
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    A select committee of senior civil servants from Health, Finance, and the Department of the Taoiseach has sent proposals to government aimed at reducing the numbers of patients waiting on trolleys, free-up beds and reduce hospital operating costs.

    One suggestion is the introduction of long-stay charges for patients who occupy trolleys for more than six hours.

    Patients who spend more than six hours on a trolley will be forced to pay €100 on the sixth hour and €50 per hour thereafter. To reduce instances of non-payment a credit card swipe on admittance will be required.

    Meanwhile in Ireland News has seen a leaked copy of the report which contains not only the above but also the following proposals.

    In another move to make money, nurses and orderlies will be encouraged to promote the sale of scratch-cards, sandwiches and beverages in the corridors.

    The public will be offered the opportunity to purchase priority admittance stamps. Priority treatment will be available to those with the greatest collection of pre-paid stamps.

    Stamps — like those currently used to prepay television licence fees — will be on sale at post offices.

    In a move designed to reduce staffing levels personal computers will be installed in all casualty departments and patients encouraged to Google their symptoms and suggest suitable treatments when eventually seen by medical staff.

    Ward Overflow Areas (former corridors) will be given names i.e. St Joseph’s Overflow Ward 2b an immediate reduction in the reported “patients on trolleys in corridors” figures published daily in the press is hoped for.

    The latest medical research available reveals that a significant number of hospitalised patients are not acutely aware of their surroundings. In light of these findings, patients presenting with signs of comatose, unconsciousness and or senile dementia be assigned to trolleys.

    Ward beds can then be allocated to the more aware patients who research has found are more likely to complain.

     As these moves are likely to instigate a moderate to high level of public outrage it is expected that all official press releases announcing the changes will contain the following phrases and key-words “caring society,” “going forward,” “in an attempt to boost staff morale,” “significant improvements,” and of course “a new approach.”

    A Department of Health spokesperson was unavailable for comment.

    Disclaimer

    This article is satire. We do satire articles because it is great craic and Irish people love it! Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend.

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    Gerald Leinster
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    Gerald Leinster is one of Ireland's most noteworthy journalists, columnists and commentator on Irish and international issues. Often accused of being more right-wing than Genghis Khan whom he admires greatly, Gerald is an Oxbridge graduate. He has authored many best-selling books including the recent ' The Margaret Thatcher I knew and Loved' and his previous bestseller 'Reagan, Bush, and Trump -- Gods of Their Time.' In his spare time, you might find Gerald relaxing on a golf course in Kildare, watching International rugby or dining out in Dublin's more fashionable restaurants. Although he strives for a professional journalistic apolitical stance, he feels strongly about the reunification of Ireland and the UK. He also holds membership of both Fine Gael and Fianna Fail.

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