Billy McDermott (38), an unemployable mushroom farmer and holistic yoga student, has announced he is to run as an independent candidate in the forthcoming general election.
Billy, known to friends as Billy the Weed, announced his candidacy to an invited group of three similarly minded left-wing freelance journalists at an organised tea-party and ganja smoking event held in the basement of his mother’s flat in North-Inner City Dublin.
The exact location of Billy’s mum’s flat can not be revealed due to an ongoing Garda investigation into the harvesting, supply and procession of class B drugs and the possibility of a few class A’s if the cops raid the gaf on a Thursday.
What are them fools doing in Leinster House?
“How to Jaysus can we let the current shower get themselves re-elected. I’m telling youse here and now, Ireland want’s shagging change and I’m the bleeding man to give it to them — I swears it on the life of me mammy.
“What in the name of Jaysus are them shower of fools doing above in Leinster House?” He asked the assembled media. “Seriously, that lot of wan**rs couldn’t organise a piss-up above in Guinness.”
‘I’ve got a great plan’
“What do youse reckon can be done Billy?” was one question from freelance journalist and McDonalds burger-flipper Tommy O’Brien, who never actually had anything substantial published but has had a video of the water protest up on YouTube.
“It’s time to think outside of the fecking box,” Billy replied, stroking his ragged beard that makes him look seriously intellectual or intestinal depending on the light. “Seriously lads, I’ve got a great big fecking plan.”
“Just look at the hospital crisis. Jaysus, every night on bleeding TV there’s a report on over crowing and auld-wans sleeping on trolleys in the corridors. I knows what’s causing it and better still I knows how to fix it.
“Your-man Varadkar hasn’t a bleeding clue. I reckon that there are too many sick auld-wans in the country taking up beds in the hospitals so it’s shagging obvious, cure all the auld-wans and auld-lads.”
At this stage, the three news-hounds were becoming both equally fascinated and stoned and were quite enthralled by Billy’s inherent wisdom and his incessant beard-stroking.
“All you need is a bit of the auld ganja oil,” Billy pronounced. “Dat stuff will cure anything that’s going. Load them up with a rake of ganja oil and if that don’t cure them nothing will,” Billy said as he stroked his beard with one hand and his crotch with the other.
Referring to the ongoing housing crisis, Billy was equally confident that he had ‘the solution’ to that as well. “That’s another great big feck-up by Varadkar. ‘We’ll build more houses’, the dip-stick says. That gob couldn’t paint me Ma’s front room never mind build a house.”
“What we need is more festivals. If the government organised an Electric Picnic every day of the week then all the Heads in Dublin could go down the country and spend all their time getting pissed, stoned and laid in tent. There’d be no need for houses then, would there?”
“Feck it Billy — you’re the man for the job fair enough,” they all agreed. Meanwhile in Ireland can also confirm that a recent poll carried out on our behalf shows that Billy will get a least three votes. Perhaps four if he remembers to vote for himself.
This article is satire. We do satire articles because it is great craic and Irish people love it! Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend.