Limerick University College Hospital has been awarded the Irish government’s inaugural Best Run Overcrowded Hospital in the Country (BROHC) award. The award has been nicknamed the ‘Golden Bedpan’ award.
The Minister for Health Simon Harris made the announcement at a press conference held in Government Buildings last night, as the national press reported that 92 patients were sleeping on trolleys in Limerick Hospital yesterday.
It was also reported that the numbers of patients waiting on trolleys throughout the country this week would be enough to fill the 750 beds in St James Hospital Dublin, which is the state’s largest hospital.
Taoiseach busy with other matters
Speaking to the press, Health Minister Harris said; “Ok, let’s face it, the health system is at breaking point — you don’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure that out.
“I’m sick to the teeth of talking to the Taoiseach about it. But in fairness to him, he has a lot of other things on his mind this month. Like organising the commemoration for the Royal Irish Constabulary and the Black and Tans and that sort of stuff.
“So what we in the Health Department decided to do was to do what we normally do — put a positive spin on things and hope nobody notices, ” the Minister revealed.
All for good publicity
“We sort of figured if we came up with an award for the best hospital coping with overcrowding and presented them with the Golden Bedpan award we could get a bit of good publicity out of this mess.
“Sort of blind the begrudgers and voters with shiny lights, speeches and positive stuff. Like everyone loves getting awards and we could sort of bask in the reflected glory
“We’re delighted that Limerick Hospital won — we in Fine Gael have a safe seat there — although they faced stiff competition from elsewhere, like Cork University Hospital with 56 patients on trolleys.
“We’re very disappointed with South Tipperary General Hospital, they only managed 40 auld-wans on trolleys — feck-sake, it’s like they weren’t even trying,” Harris said.
Ambulance Crisis — a figment of the lefty press’s imagination
Minister Harris then went on to discuss what is being reported by the lefty-press as a crisis in the ambulance service. Some media outlets have dared to report that ambulances are waiting up to seven hours to drop off patients at casualty departments.
“If people did what we told them to do last year when we introduced the Pre-Booked Emergency Ambulance Callout Scheme there’d be no need for all this scaremongering. The public should just plan ahead before dialing 999. That’s not too much to ask, is it?” Minister Harris asked.
The plan moving forward
“And another thing,” Harris went on to ask, “What’s this big deal with hospitals being forced to cancel some elective surgeries because of overcrowding?
“The bloody patients can elect to get it done therefore we can elect not to fecking do it. It’s not as if a fecking broken hip or waiting for a fecking scan ever killed anyone, is it?
Minister Harris went on to outline his department’s strategy to deal with overcrowding in the medium term. It seems that he as Minister for Health will simply copy the previous minister’s policy and bury his head in the sand until the next election and by then it will be someone else’s problem.
Disclaimer
This article is satire. We do satire articles because it is great craic and Irish people love it! Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend.
