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    You are at:Home » News » Craic » Limerick hospital wins best ‘Overcrowded Hospital in Ireland’ award
    Craic Satire

    Limerick hospital wins best ‘Overcrowded Hospital in Ireland’ award

    Gerald LeinsterBy Gerald LeinsterJanuary 17, 2020No Comments3 Mins Read
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    Limerick University College Hospital has been awarded the Irish government’s inaugural Best Run Overcrowded Hospital in the Country (BROHC) award. The award has been nicknamed the ‘Golden Bedpan’ award.

    The Minister for Health Simon Harris made the announcement at a press conference held in Government Buildings last night, as the national press reported that 92 patients were sleeping on trolleys in Limerick Hospital yesterday.

    It was also reported that the numbers of patients waiting on trolleys throughout the country this week would be enough to fill the 750 beds in St James Hospital Dublin, which is the state’s largest hospital.

    Taoiseach busy with other matters

    The Black and Tans. Credit: National Library of Ireland / Flickr

    Speaking to the press, Health Minister Harris said; “Ok, let’s face it, the health system is at breaking point — you don’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure that out.

    “I’m sick to the teeth of talking to the Taoiseach about it. But in fairness to him, he has a lot of other things on his mind this month. Like organising the commemoration for the Royal Irish Constabulary and the Black and Tans and that sort of stuff.

     “So what we in the Health Department decided to do was to do what we normally do — put a positive spin on things and hope nobody notices, ” the Minister revealed.

    All for good publicity

    Credit: commons.wikimedia.org

    “We sort of figured if we came up with an award for the best hospital coping with overcrowding and presented them with the Golden Bedpan award we could get a bit of good publicity out of this mess.

    “Sort of blind the begrudgers and voters with shiny lights, speeches and positive stuff. Like everyone loves getting awards and we could sort of bask in the reflected glory

    “We’re delighted that Limerick Hospital won — we in Fine Gael have a safe seat there — although they faced stiff competition from elsewhere, like Cork University Hospital with 56 patients on trolleys.

    “We’re very disappointed with South Tipperary General Hospital, they only managed 40 auld-wans on trolleys — feck-sake, it’s like they weren’t even trying,” Harris said.

    Ambulance Crisis — a figment of the lefty press’s imagination

    Credit: commons.wikimedia.org

    Minister Harris then went on to discuss what is being reported by the lefty-press as a crisis in the ambulance service. Some media outlets have dared to report that ambulances are waiting up to seven hours to drop off patients at casualty departments.

    “If people did what we told them to do last year when we introduced the Pre-Booked Emergency Ambulance Callout Scheme there’d be no need for all this scaremongering. The public should just plan ahead before dialing 999. That’s not too much to ask, is it?” Minister Harris asked.

    The plan moving forward

    “And another thing,” Harris went on to ask, “What’s this big deal with hospitals being forced to cancel some elective surgeries because of overcrowding?

    Credit: health.mil

    “The bloody patients can elect to get it done therefore we can elect not to fecking do it. It’s not as if a fecking broken hip or waiting for a fecking scan ever killed anyone, is it?

    Minister Harris went on to outline his department’s strategy to deal with overcrowding in the medium term. It seems that he as Minister for Health will simply copy the previous minister’s policy and bury his head in the sand until the next election and by then it will be someone else’s problem. 

    Disclaimer

    This article is satire. Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend. However, if you are offended, please inform us formally via a letter. You can ensure it gets to us by placing it in the nearest recycling bin.

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    Gerald Leinster
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    Gerald Leinster is one of Ireland's most noteworthy journalists, columnists and commentator on Irish and international issues. Often accused of being more right-wing than Genghis Khan whom he admires greatly, Gerald is an Oxbridge graduate. He has authored many best-selling books including the recent ' The Margaret Thatcher I knew and Loved' and his previous bestseller 'Reagan, Bush, and Trump -- Gods of Their Time.' In his spare time, you might find Gerald relaxing on a golf course in Kildare, watching International rugby or dining out in Dublin's more fashionable restaurants. Although he strives for a professional journalistic apolitical stance, he feels strongly about the reunification of Ireland and the UK. He also holds membership of both Fine Gael and Fianna Fail.

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