Following a grouse shooting event held near Balmoral Castle, Prince Andrew has announced that he “loves them fifteen-years of age and full of Coke.” It is believed – and sincerely hoped – that the Prince was referring to blended whiskey.
The Prince has recently been embroiled in the Jeffrey Epstein child sex trafficking scandal and in November 2019 took part in a BBC Newsnight interview which was widely considered as a PR disaster.
PR master-stroke
Palace sources are, however, hailing the prince’s comments as a public relations masterstroke. “His Highness has, by making this statement, shown that he is ‘in touch’ with the ‘ordinary man’ and like the ‘ordinary man in the street’ appreciates the occasional fifteen-year-old blended Scotch Whiskey.”
Ms. Gloria Smyth-Crawford-Jones, the Prince’s new Public Relations advisor explained: “While HRH admits that the BBC interview may have been a bit of a disaster, he is keen to be seen as a man of the people. We intend to portray the Prince in this light going forward.”
It is believed that HRH the Prince hopes that in light of, as he put it, “Ginger and Meg shagging off to the colonies,” he might “pick up a few extra gigs and public event thingies from Mummy.”
Just an ordinary bloke
Ms. Smyth-Crawford-Jones went on to say: “We want HRH to come across as just an ordinary bloke. One of the lads who does what ordinary folk do; like Grouse Hunting, Polo and of course taking time-out to visit friends on exotic private Caribbean islands — just the simple day to day activities of the man in the street.”
The Prince’s newly appointed PR Guru elaborated on what she sees as the new royal role for the Prince. “Prince Andrew is and always will be HM the Queen’s favourite son, which sort of begs the question – What have the other two been up to? And the Queen is anxious that Andrew resumes his full royal-duties as soon as possible.”
Just getting directions
One member of the press dared to ask a question. “Lets put it as kindly as we can but, wasn’t the Prince fairly stupid to visit the New York townhouse of convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein? How can he be trusted to carry out royal duties?”
“No, you silly little man,” Smyth-Crawford-Jones answered. “The Prince only visited Jeffrey’s house to ask for directions as to how to get away from there so as he wouldn’t need to return. It’s quite simple really,” she added.
“The Prince wanted to tell Epstein that he wouldn’t be seeing him again but while he was telling him that he wouldn’t be seeing him he was seeing him. And additionally, there is an absolutely fabulous Pizza Express just down the road and HRH is quite partial to Pizza,” she concluded.
Prince to resume full royal duties
Meanwhile in Ireland understands that the Prince will resume his full list of Royal Duties as soon as Ginger and Meg are settled in Canada. A provisional list of events that HRH will attend has been issued.
These include the presentation of awards to the winners of the under eighteen girl’s beach volleyball championships and, in what is seen as an attempt to foster Anglo-Irish relations, the Prince will attend the youth Irish dancing festival finals.
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