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    You are at:Home » News » Craic » Man who said “I’m never drinking again” spotted at pub two days later
    Craic Satire

    Man who said “I’m never drinking again” spotted at pub two days later

    Gerald LeinsterBy Gerald LeinsterFebruary 21, 2020No Comments3 Mins Read
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    A County Offaly man who swore blind he would never drink again was spotted by observers downing a few pints in a pub just forty-eight hours after he made what he described as his “solemn promise”.

    Jimmy O’Shea (28), of Tullamore, who immortalised the phrase “Ah Jaysus me fecking head, never again”, shocked casual observers when he was discovered having a few social pints with the lads after making the promise to God not to ever even consider drinking again if God would only cure his hangover of the previous Friday night.

    God will understand

    Image result for God
    Credit: commons.wikimedia.org

    “I’m sure God will understand,” Jimmy said to friends after he downed his fifth pint in quick succession. “After all, didn’t he invent the stuff and turn water into wine and all that stuff? And from what I hear he’s a fairly understanding lad.”

    Seemingly Jimmy’s promise was made the morning after being ‘out for the one.’ The promise never to drink again was made not only to God in an attempt to receive a Divine Miracle cure for a raging hangover. 

    The very same promise was made to Jimmy’s mother, girlfriend, a young-wan in the chipper and the local taxi driver who waived the clean-up charge after Jimmy threw-up in the taxi on the way home.

    Only wanted ‘the one’

    Image result for one pint of beer
    Credit: Tim Dobson / Flickr

    Jimmy explained the sequence of events. “Well,” he said. “It started out fairly simple enough,” he told his mainly understanding and sympathetic group of friends. 

    “I only dropped in to the pub for one quiet pint on the way home from work when Mickey Flynn decided to buy everyone a pint on the strength of his dog having pups. Jaysus it would have been rude to refuse.

    “I had fully intended to only have the one,” Jimmy told the lads, who at this stage were in total agreement with him. “Honestly Patricia, the girlfriend and I had a date to go see a film and the Mother had the dinner cooked. The plan was to be home by seven, have a quick shower, eat the dinner and meet Herself.”

    Best laid plans go to waste 

    Jimmy expounded that at times a well-laid plan fails to materialise. “You see,” he explained, “after Mickey bought me a pint I had to return the compliment and that, of course, meant he had to buy me one back. 

    “Before we knew where we were we’d got into a discussion about whelping pups and never felt the hours passing. Shur, we were joined by a few lads from Saint Finbars who had just won the hurling and were out celebrating and before we knew it we were into a few rounds. 

    “One thing you can say about Saint Finbar lads — they’re a generous lot. Jaysus I had a rake of pints in me by the time I left. Fair play to the lot of them.”

    Divine Providence

    Image result for divine providence
    An illustration of Divine Providence. Credit: commons.wikimedia.org

    Meanwhile in Ireland understands that Jimmy claims Divine Providence in providing ‘the cure’ the following morning and, of course, since he had ‘the one’ he might as well have another convincing himself that God had ordained in scripture that a bird never flew on one wing.

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    This article is satire. Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend. However, if you are offended, please inform us formally via a letter. You can ensure it gets to us by placing it in the nearest recycling bin.

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    Gerald Leinster
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    Gerald Leinster is one of Ireland's most noteworthy journalists, columnists and commentator on Irish and international issues. Often accused of being more right-wing than Genghis Khan whom he admires greatly, Gerald is an Oxbridge graduate. He has authored many best-selling books including the recent ' The Margaret Thatcher I knew and Loved' and his previous bestseller 'Reagan, Bush, and Trump -- Gods of Their Time.' In his spare time, you might find Gerald relaxing on a golf course in Kildare, watching International rugby or dining out in Dublin's more fashionable restaurants. Although he strives for a professional journalistic apolitical stance, he feels strongly about the reunification of Ireland and the UK. He also holds membership of both Fine Gael and Fianna Fail.

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