It has been confirmed that Irish actor Liam Neeson will play the iconic role of James Bond in the new Bond movie due for general release next autumn.
The production company which controls the Bond film franchise, EON Productions Limited, has confirmed that Neeson (67) will play Bond in the upcoming movie ‘Never say Never — Never Again’.
The new Bond plot
The plot contains a futuristic storyline where Bond is portrayed as a geriatric super-spy who comes out of retirement to locate and kill an equally geriatric bald auld-fella baddie.
The film is partially set on the baddies private island in the Caribbean that’s entirely populated by young women who constantly underestimate their bikini size.
The subplot is, of course, the usual sh**e as the bald-auld-fella plans to take over the internet and other dastardly deeds that will feck-up the world.
EON Production take on the role
Sam Zerbuckaridge, who is CEO of EON Productions, spoke to the Hollywood press at a media event held in Beverly Hills last Tuesday.
“We are very excited about this new twist to the Bond movies and we are particularly thrilled that Neeson will play James Bond. We were thinking of using a slightly younger actor but Neeson was very keen to get the part and rescue his fledgeling career.”
‘I will find and shagging kill you’
It is said that Neeson phoned up the casting director and said “Give me the fecking part or I will find you and I will shagging kill you”. This scared the life out of the director, so it did.
While the film will more than likely follow the same old Bond genre, Zerbuckaridge is adamant that the viewing public will appreciate the subtle difference in the new movie.
An Aged 007
“We had to face up to the fact that Neeson is a bit past his prime,” the film’s producer admitted. “There’s the usual opening sequence with Bond escaping the baddies by skiing down a mountain and shooting his way out of trouble before using a jet-pack to escape.
“This time, though, we have him falling out of a granny’s bed in his retirement home and doing a getaway using a Zimmer frame and his bus pass.”
Stout not martinis
“We also intend to pay homage to Neeson’s Irish roots so instead of vodka martinis shaken not stirred, Bond will be ordering a pint bottle of stout and a few Viagra,” Zerbuckaridge told the media, who at this stage were getting slightly bored and pissed.
However, some of them did perk up when a tray of coke was passed around by a half-naked bimbo. (Meanwhile in Ireland’s entertainment correspondent, who was at the event, manage to behave himself.)
Not a sign of a car chase
“We won’t be able to film any of those brilliant car chases that the public love and expect in Bond movies,” Zerbuckaridge explained. “You see poor Liam’s auld-eyesight is not what it was and he’s not allowed drive without glasses.
“Plus the fact that with his dodgy knees he can’t really press the pedals but for a man of his age he’s in good enough shape to hop on to a mobility scooter and we have a few scenes planned where he uses a sat-nav to find disabled parking spots in Amsterdam.”
Meanwhile in Ireland understands that location filming will begin next month and will be scheduled to allow for the days when Liam needs to collect his pension at the post office.