Political commentators both north and south of the republic’s border with the North of Ireland have expressed shock at the proposal to close the border in a bid to prevent the spread of Covid-19.
The proposal to completely disallow travel between NI and the Republic was contained in a list of recommendations put forward by the National Crisis Management Team (NCPET) which was said to have strongly advised that all cross-border travel be discontinued.
‘United Ireland never going to happen’
Speaking to the press at the daily Covid briefing, NCPET Chairman Dr Anthony Holligan said; “This is only one of many proposals put forward to the government to prevent the further spread of the virus. It is our job in NCPET to advise but ultimately all decisions are made at cabinet level.”
Health Minister Simon Hariss also spoke at the daily briefing and outlined the government’s reasoning behind what is a highly controversial and politically sensitive move.
“Well, to be honest, you can scream all you want about a united Ireland but let’s face it, that ain’t going to happen no matter what Mary Lou and her balaclava-wearing band of renegades say.
“To be honest again, we in Fine Gael never really gave a damn about the border anyway — we’re happy to leave all that auld nonsense where it truly belongs, in the history books.”
Not impressed with Boris Johnson
“No,” the minister shouted. “Our job is to look after the upper middle classes of Ireland and of course big companies and the banks. We had a long look at how Boris Johnson is handling the virus both in the UK and above in the North and we weren’t impressed.
“Jaysus, what with his ‘go out but stay in’ and ‘go to work but stay at home’ stuff the young-fella doesn’t know whether he coming or going. Shur, you can’t be dealing with that stuff.”
Implications for US holidaymakers
One reporter asked the minister if he wasn’t impressed by Johnson’s and the UK’s response to the crisis, surely he could hardly express confidence in Trump’s handling of the situation in the USA and would he also consider a complete ban on all Americans entering Ireland for the foreseeable future?
“Ah, Jaysus no. Shur that would spell economic disaster for the country, so it would,” the minister pointed out. “OK, right, we all know that compared to Trump, Boris is a fecking genius but at least the Yanks spend the few dollars when they come over.
“Jaysus, that crowd in the North, especially the Prods, never learned to put their hands in their pockets, probably ‘cos they’re situated so close to Cavan. And that’s another thing we’re thinking of asking the Brits would they take Cavan and make it ‘the seven counties.’ It would solve a lot of problems, so it would,” the minister concluded.
Cavan to be handed over
Meanwhile in Ireland has seen a leaked copy of the supposedly confidential cabinet meeting minutes and can confirm that a majority of the cabinet would be in favour of the border closure. It is also stated that the proposal to hand over Cavan had unanimous support.
Disclaimer
This article is satire. We do satire articles because it is great craic and Irish people love it! Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend.
