In a shock announcement, the Irish Government has today unveiled a plan to sell off the loss-making state broadcaster RTÉ to the British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC).
The proposals were announced at a hastily convened press conference held at Government Buildings in Dublin. Minister of Finance Paschal O’Donovan said RTÉ “has not been in a stable financial position for the last decade.”
He continued; ” It is estimated that RTÉ will require a reduction in operating costs of more than €60m through to 2023 just to survive and is also requesting a rise in the television licence fee.”
‘same old rubbish‘
“This is simply not on,” he continued. “We’ve been pumping money into it for decades now and all we’ve got is the same old rubbish year in and year out.
“Jaysus, there’s only so much fecking Fair City a body can take,” said a quite aggrieved minister to a stunned press corps.
Raising his voice, the Minister elaborated; “I mean, if they had only copped themselves on a few years ago and started showing some Pay-Per-View late-night shows or something they could have made a few bob.
“But no, the stupid feckers had to keep showing the usual auld cultural repeats. Who the hell watches that crap?” questioned the Minister, who was perhaps speaking honestly for the first time in his life and actually enjoying the experience.
“Take The Late Late Show as an example,” O Donavan went on. “Let’s face it, your-man Tubridy is plain and simply fecking useless, so he is.”
As the Minster was speaking candidly, the perplexed press were ardently sitting up and taking notes, most of them never having heard a politician speak honestly before.
I’m a Celebrity
“Ok, so he does a fairly decent job on the Christmas show but let’s be honest lads he does nothing that Ant and Dec couldn’t do with their shagging eyes closed.
“Nah, we’d be far better off selling the whole bloody lot to the Brits and watching I’m a Celebrity on a Saturday night, much cheaper than paying Tubs and his cronies zillions every time they sit and scratch their arse.”
News and sports coverage
“And as for sports and news coverage… I mean in the name of Jaysus, most of the public watch English soccer and Good Morning Britain anyway and most of the decent GAA matches are on Sky, so no real problem there!
“Ok so we might lose out on the Rose of Tralee coverage but I’m sure the viewers would rather watch some bikini-clad celeb eating snails in a pretend jungle anyway,” the Minister said, who obviously has a penchant for I’m A Celebrity and bikinis.
RTÉ HQ to be relocated
Meanwhile in Ireland understands that plans are being made to demolish the RTE Donnybrook HQ, which will be relocated to Birmingham, while the Irish site will be utilized as a temporary halting site.
Neither Tubridy nor any of his highly paid colleagues were available for comment. It is understood they were all too busy packing for England.