An distinguished Irish scientist has published an eagerly-anticipated report into Irish social life which categorically proves that alcohol “definitely” improves one’s social life.
Dr Thomas Meagher, one of the country’s leading researchers into Irish social patterns and behaviours, has rubbished previously held beliefs that excessive alcohol leads to anti-social behaviour.
“Yes, I can definitely say that the consumption of at least ten pints a day enhances a person’s social life in Ireland,” Meagher told reporters who gathered for the launch of his new report at Dublin’s Mansion House last night.
Divided opinion on the study
Dr Meagher’s theory has bitterly divided the Irish sociology community with other commentators calling Meagher’s results “pure and utter nonsense” amongst many other things.
Meagher was quick to dismiss the views of his detractors, saying; “Ah, Jaysus, those lads would seriously want to get a life and cop-on to themselves.
“I’ve never seen such a crowd of boring middle-aged orange juice sipping lads in all my life,” Meagher said as he downed his fifth pint of the evening.
‘I’ve seen it with my own two eyes’
“Does that shower of tea-totalling idiots honestly believe that an Irish man can go out and enjoy himself completely on a night-out by just standing there drinking Diet Cola or some other load of sh**e?” a slightly tipsy Meagher bellowed.
“You can in your arse. I’ve seen it with me own two eyes,” he said, drowning out the negative comments from his detractors and then signalling the barman for another pint.
“I’ve seen your average Irishman who usually can’t put two words together have a couple of pints and within minutes he’s chatting up the long-legged blond standing at the bar, not a bother to him.
“All women welcome that sort of drunken conversation and excessive personal contact from a complete stranger. And that’s a fact,” the now drunken sociologist stressed, losing the absolute run of himself.
What ten pints a day can do
“And that’s not all!” he continued, banging his now-empty pint glass on the table. “I can prove without a shadow of a doubt that the consumption of approximately ten or so pints enhances a man’s sex drive and appetite.
“Many’s the time I’ve seen lads down ten pints and then take the most ugliest wan in the pub home for a decent feed of fish and chips and a bit of a leg over,” the scientist revealed.
“It’s a great way to meet new friends and be social,” bit with a word of warning cautioned; “Be careful, sometimes having more than ten-pints can have the opposite effect. Like getting sick all over the chipper and forgetting where you left the car. It’s a fine balance,” Meagher concluded.
An attempt to report the views of all parties
In the interest of fair and balanced reporting, Meanwhile in Ireland tried to report the views of members of the Orange Juice Sipping Association of Ireland, but no member was available to comment.
They were either all too busy standing on their own looking down their noses at decent Irish men enjoying themselves, or they were attending bingo with their mammies.