Internationally acclaimed Irish singer-songwriter Shane McGowan has claimed that the secret to living a long and healthy life is to consume a bottle of Tesco Vodka each and every day.
McGowan (63), who is most famously known for his autobiographical song Fairytale of New York, was speaking at the press launch of his new book ‘Pissed in London and Out of Me Head in Dublin at the Same Time While I Thought I was Singing Stoned in New York’.
“This book is designed as a guide for those who want to drink the few litres of Vodka a day but remain healthy,” McGowan told reporters. “I’ve become quite a cult figure and people look at me in amazement and often ask: “How the feck is he lasting?”
All about the balance
“The answer is easy. It’s all in balancing your Vodka intake with the right amount of tonic and doing the odd bit of exercise. And of course, cutting out food altogether,” he stressed. “Too many people depend too much on food. My mantra is ‘you are what you eat’. So if you don’t eat you won’t catch any of those diseases going around.
“Look at it this way,” McGowan continued. “If you walk into any hospital anywhere in the world you’ll see doctors and nurses using alcohol wipes to clean things. You’ll never see them running around with dirty great potatoes, pasta or a plate of stew cleaning things — now will you?” He asked trying to drive his point home.
“No, stay off the food that’s the first thing,” he slurred, then added: “Of course a lemon, the odd bit of orange juice with your Vodka probably won’t do any harm, I suppose the vitamin C is needed. But I wouldn’t overdo it,” he warned.
Exercise is important
“Exercise is the second most important thing to do to achieve a good healthy lifestyle. That’s why I choose Tesco’s to buy my vodka. (Editors note: this article contains product placement.)
“With Tesco, you can get all the exercise you need — luckily the alcohol section is way down the back of the shop so you need to walk yards, or run if you’re really dying for a drink.
“And the tonic is four shelves lower than the vodka so it encourages you to bend and stretch. Now if you’re doing that a few times a day all that bending and stretching really gets the blood flowing.”
Treat your body like a temple
Shane went on to outline the third strand of his healthy living regime. “Tesco Vodka” is the only one for me,” Shane said (Editor’s Note Again: more fecking product placement!).
“You need to treat your body like a shagging temple,” the Celtic-Rock, Punk, singer/songwriter and poet said. “It’s only scumbags and maggots and them cheap lousy faggots that drink that cheap auld stuff.
“You need the highest alcohol content you can get. Anything else is a complete and utter waste of fecking good drinking time. The higher the alcohol content the better.” he said. “That’s the secret,” Shane finished before being wheeled off the stage.
Book sold in all major book shops
Shane’s book is on sale in all major book shops and is also being serialised in the Alcoholics Anonymous monthly newsletter. Copies can be bought for €23, the same price as a litre bottle of Tesco brand vodka.