The Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has grudgingly admitted that he slept with DUP leader and First Minister Arlene Foster after a drunken night out on the town.
A spokesperson for the Taoiseach confirmed the news that Varadkar did in fact sleep with Foster, but noted that “in his defence, he was convinced that she was a man”.
More attracted to same-sex relationships
The spokesperson said; “Leo has never tried to hide his sexual orientation; he is simply more attracted to same-sex partners and has a fairly healthy appetite there. Everybody is entitled to their bit of ‘down’ time, aren’t they?” he asked.
“However, in this case, we have to admit that the Taoiseach may have made an error of judgement in thinking Arlene was a man, and it is something he is showing deep remorse for.”
Rumours were rife
Rumours circulating around both Leinster House and Stormont suggest that after a lengthy North/South conference the Taoiseach visited a well known Belfast night-club where Arlene Foster was also in attendance.
The government spokesman; “Leo, like many powerful men, needs to let his hair down occasionally and on this occasion, he may have had one or two too many white wine spritzers and this may have clouded his judgement.”
‘That’s off the record’
“Like in all fairness lads,” the spokesperson said, pleading with the assembled political correspondents, “Leo was slightly pissed and I swear to God he thought she was a guy.
“Seriously, have you ever seen her close up? Jaysus she’s as butch as that guy who plays front-row for Munster. And that’s strictly off the record, right,” he said, foolishly expecting a flock of news-hungry journalists to keep anything off the record.
“Your-wan Arlene came up to Leo and whispers in his ear. I’m not sure exactly what she whispered but it was something like ‘is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?’, that sort of thing.”
‘I’m going to be the man who wakes up close to you’
“Next thing you know the two of them were out on the floor dancing to ‘I Would Walk 500 miles’. Arlene is singing along and when it gets to the part where it says “I’m going to be the man that wakes up next to you”, Leo lost the run of himself; she had her hands all over him!
“Like lads,” the government spokesman continued, “she was wearing a great big fecking trouser suit and a shirt and tie. Jaysus, you can’t really blame Leo now can you — especially with the two white wine spritzers in him?
“Anyway, Leo and Arlene headed off back to Arlene’s gaf and all was grand until Leo woke up the next morning with the mother of hangovers and got the fright of his life when he looked beneath the covers.
“You never saw a faster retreat back to Dublin than the ‘get out of Dodge quick’ stunt that Leo pulled. Seriously, his garda driver had the fecking blue lights and sirens going until he reached Swords. Seriously, all this is off the record isn’t it?” he foolishly asked again.
Foster to move to Dublin
Meanwhile in Ireland is proud to report that whatever Leo did he must have done right. Arlene Foster has renounced her DUP membership and hopes to move to Dublin to be closer to Leo.