Are you thinking of buying a house in Dublin? Here are our top tips for buying a home before you get too old to enjoy it.
It is no secret that Dublin is a costly place to live. Even to rent, the prices are pretty lofty. That being said, there’s something about Dublin that makes people long to live there, with many doing all they can to afford a home in The Big Schmoke.
Moving up the property ladder can be a minefield, so we’ve compiled a list of our top tips for buying a house in Dublin before retirement.
10. Go to a toy shop − a house fit for a doll
Lots of lovely houses are available for dolls; now, you can have what they have. Doll houses have a great range of modern conveniences at a fraction of the price.
We guarantee it will be a better bargain for you than buying a studio apartment on Leeson street that has a kitchen-bathroom combo situation going on for itself.
9. Sell your soul to the devil − he strikes a good deal
Why not summon your good old pal Lucifer to hand over your over-bruised soul to the leading man himself? You won’t really need it once you’ve acquired a lovely Dublin abode for yourself. It’s a win-win situation if you ask us.
8. Become a criminal overlord − a bit of illegal activity will get you ahead in life
When all else fails, petty crime is your only man. Rob kids lunch money, hold up a doughnut shop, kidnap Michael D. Higgins and hold him ransom for a two-bed house in Walkinstown…nothing could possibly go wrong; it’s a perfect crime.
7. Sell your organs on the dark web − who needs a liver anyway?
You’ve probably destroyed them all from years of hard drinking anyway, so why not sell them on to make some cash for Operation Buy A House In Dublin?
Nothing could possibly go wrong. Your heart has been dead from years of working dead-end jobs anyway.
6. Marry a rich ould fella or ould wan − get that leg on the property ladder, baby
One of our top tips for buying a house in Dublin before retirement is to marry an older person with a healthy-sized bank account.
Wait a few years, have a bit of fun being spoiled for a while, then boom, they’re dead, you get the money, and you can buy a lovely gaff for yourself and another for your very decent morals.
5. Make a claim − let the corporation pay for your house
Why not take a walk down the cobbled streets of Temple Bar in your most delicate pair of stilettos?
Be careful you don’t trip and injure yourself, though. You might have to have your leg amputated and get a big lump sum to cover the emotional damage. Oh no.
4. Take on 38 extra jobs − one must consistently be achieving
Don’t be so lazy with your three part-time jobs. So many places in Dublin are taking on minimum wage staff.
It’s like you don’t even WANT to own a house. You don’t need sleep. You need money. Go get it and stop complaining.
3. Buy a tent − if you can sleep in it, it’s a house
What is a tent, only a house made of fabric? Plenty of people in Dublin make a home for themselves in tents. It’s like you’re not even trying here.
Go to Aldi and buy yourself a tent from the middle aisle on special. Congratulations, you’re now a Dublin homeowner.
2. Become friends with the Minister for Housing − go play a game of rounders with him
Hang around the GAA club in Malahide, and you’re sure to bump into Darragh O’Brien, the housing minister.
Befriend him, invite him for a sleepover, braid his hair, fall out over a boy you both like, become friends again, and then get a house off him on tick.
1. Never leave your parents’ house − get the name changed on the deed
One of the best tips for buying a house in Dublin before retirement is to stay right where you are if you’re lucky enough to be from Dublin.
Let mammy spoil you, let dad give you pocket money when you’re going out on a Friday night, and have the house deed transferred to your name when the time is right.