Top 5 excellent ways to break up with an annoying lover

Continuing our invaluable guide to relationships, we give you five easy painless and excellent ways to break up with an annoying lover. 

Let’s face it, love sometimes has an expiration date. What started as an exciting encounter has over time become what psychologists refer to as a real pain in the butt.

The sex turns stale, the nagging becomes unbearable, and you want to be free of either him or her, but how to do it?

Here we tell you five excellent ways to break up with your annoying lover. Read on and don’t weep.

5. A Mafia hit-man – time to call your contacts

OK, this might sound a bit extreme, and I’m not suggesting you take out a contract on your boyfriend/girlfriend.

But, you can hint that ‘the mob’ are after you all because your uncle Harry in New Jersey owes them gambling money and put you up as surety.

You see, he/she won’t know that it’s all bull and, to be honest, will be impressed with the fact that you’re going into hiding just for their safety, not yours, even though it will pain you terribly.

Remember to say things like “it’s for your good, honey, not mine, and it will only be for a few years, honestly.”

4. Fake your own death – a truly effective method

 This might also sound a bit extreme, but believe me, it works.

Here in small, little Ireland, we all know a few doctors and guards.

Use your contacts, get a friendly guard — slip them a couple of bob — to call to his/her house in the middle of the night with the bad news that you’ve been involved in a collision with a falling meteorite and your body has been identified from dental records.

OK, this one takes a bit of planning and might cost a couple of quid in faking a mock funeral and setting up a new identity. Still, I know from experience that forged death certificates are easily done on Photoshop. 

3. The auld ‘going to volunteer build a school in Africa’ trick – such a kind soul

This one is handier as you needn’t pretend to be dead.

Just tell him/her that you’ve suddenly developed a social conscience and desperately feel the need to take a few years off to build schools in Africa for the needy children.

If you’re smart enough, download a couple of pictures from Goggle Images and post them on Facebook every couple of weeks.

Oh yeah, use lines like “I’ll miss you terribly, and “Don’t feel you have to wait for me, it might take a few years, but I want to know that you’ll get on with your life. Just think of the needy children.”

2. “I think we might be related” – no going back with this one

This one is a bit complicated and takes a fair bit of research into his/her family tree. But it can be worth it if you want to painlessly dump someone.

What you do is find out as much as you can about their background paying particular attention to his/her mother’s past.

If there is the slightest hint that his/her mother may have had a bit of an ‘interesting’ past, well then, make up a story as to how his/her mother may have given birth to you and had you adopted as a baby.

You might get sued for defamation of character by his/her mother, but by the time it gets into court, you’ll be well gone.

1. The auld kidnapping trick – always as a last resort

Right, get out your faded copies of Agatha Christie novels.

Seriously, that lady knew how to vanish without a trace.

What you do is simply get on a train, go to the loo mid-journey, change your clothes, put on a false beard or wig and scarf and get off at the next stop never to be seen again.

You will already have left a ransom demand for a ridiculously large amount of money to ensure your safe return. This has the added advantage that if he/she pays the ransom, you get to keep the cash and stay gone.

On the downside, you might have to cut off a body part like an ear or a finger as proof of the ‘kidnapper’s’ serious intentions, but it might be worth it just to break free.

There you have it; five excellent ways to break up with an annoying lover. If you are a really nice guy or girl you might think these a bit extreme, but in all fairness, isn’t it better to tell a little white lie rather than hurt someone’s feelings?