Well-known and respected medical specialist Dr Clive Redmond has shocked his profession by listing five reasons why smoking can be good for a person’s overall well-being at a press conference held in the smoking area of O’Dwyer’s Pub in Wexford Street, Dublin.
“I think ’tis a crying shame the way everyone gangs up on smokers,” Dr Redmond said. “Off the top of me head, I can list five fairly decent reasons why smoking is good for the overall health and mental well-being of most people.”
1. ‘Good life not a long life’
“As the song says; ‘Who the feck wants to live forever?’ The only two unavoidable things in life are death and taxes and who wants to pay taxes? Studies show that all smokers enjoy the good life then die early. Think of all the money they’re saving,” the doctor pointed out.
2. Erectile dysfunction
The doctor went on to mention what some commentators refer to as the lack of an elephant in the room, that being the topic of erectile dysfunction. At this stage, we should point out that two middle-aged male reporters both lit up cigarettes and began to pay serious attention.
“Look lads, we all know that smoking can cause ‘himself’ or the ‘beast in the trouser leg’ to cease to perform, which may not be a bad thing. You can attribute most of the mistakes lads have met to them to thinking with the auld-willy and not with the brain. This will sort of leave the mind free to do the thinking and that can’t be a bad thing.”
3. Meeting a decent class of women
Dr Redmond went on to outline his third advantage to smoking. “Let’s face it when you’re a smoker you become a sort of a social piranha. You can’t even light up a fag inside a pub.
“No, you’re doomed to stand outside in the smoking-area freezing your balls off. But that can have its own advantage in that you will probably find yourself chatting up some young-wan who has nipped out for a quick smoke as well.”
4. Pissing others off
According to Doctor Redmond smokers have a great opportunity to piss people off. “Most people have smoked in their lives and secretly wish they had never given the fags up. So they naturally take every opportunity to put smokers down.
“I remember years ago being at a party and some auld-wan rolled up to me and said; ‘If you had saved all the money that you spent on tobacco you could have bought a private jet.’ I just looked at her and asked; ‘Where’s your private fecking plane so you nosey auld hag?’ I put her back in her shagging box.”
5. The money you save
“Not many people realise that by smoking you save money. When you smoke you’ll probably be infertile so you won’t be having kids. That in itself will save a fecking fortune. You won’t have the strength to go and waste money on a shagging gym, another saving.
“When you’re out for a few pints you’ll spend most of your time outside the pub smoking and that will decrease the dosh you spend on booze. It’s a win-win situation.”
Dr Redmond’s new book entitled ‘Smoking: Killing Me Softly With Your Love’, goes on sale next week and will be available at all good market stalls and car boot sales.
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