An unemployed father of five is adamant that his alcohol consumption of eight tins of beer a day has never affected his health, happiness, family life or economic situation.
Charles Kennedy (44) of 43 Wolfetone Avenue, Castlebar, County Mayo made the shocking announcement whilst out socialising with friends last Saturday night.
Nothing wrong with a few cans a night
“There’s nathing wrong wit have’n da odd few cans of a night,” he said after friends suggested he might consider “laying off the drink for a month or two.” “Shur I’m only a fecking social drinker,” Charlie replied.
“Ah, for Jaysus sake Charlie, who the feck do you think you’re fooling? You shagging dipstick,” was the first reply made by Agnes, a female friend of Charlie, not that there was ever anything between them.
Barring Order
“Shur, didn’t the drink wreck your marriage,” Agnes asserted. “And didn’t your wife have to take out a barring order against you after you got sick all over her mother one night and gave her father a black eye when you were pissed?
“Jaysus, Charlie, how can you expect a normal family life when you’re as pissed as a coot day and night every shagging day of the week?” Agnes exclaimed.
“Ah shur, me wife didn’t understand me the stuck up auld bitch,” was Charlie’s less than charitable reply. “Shur, isn’t a man entitled to the couple of pints on his way home after a hard day’s work?” he retorted.
Lost his job because of the drink
“Jaysus Charlie, you lost every fecking job you ever had through drinking. For feck sake, weren’t you thrown out of the alter-boys when you were twelve after guzzling down the complete bottle of altar-wine?” Agnes commented.
“And it’s no wonder your kid’s don’t shagging talk to you anymore after you showed up at a parent-teacher meeting paralytic and with two six-packs of Stella under your arm. Jaysus imagine their fecking embarrassment the poor misfortunes.”
“Ah, that wasn’t all me fault,” replied Charlie defensively. “What kind of an idiot of a headmaster would hold a parent-teacher meeting on a Dole-Day?
“For feck sake, if a man has a few euro in his pocket on a Thursday morning and the pubs are open, Shur, what’s he supposed to do? Shur ’tis only a couple of cans a night I drinks isn’t it?” Charlie asked.
Eight cans of Stella a night
“Charlie you fecking idiot,” Agnes said. “You drink eight-shagging-cans of Stella a night when you eventually find your way home from the pub after spending the day swilling down beer after shagging beer. Jaysus I don’t know where you get the money from. It must cost you a fecking fortune.”
“Ah shur the auld Jobseekers Allowance is right handy for a drinking-man,” Charlie replied rather nonchalantly. “I was lucky enough to swipe the children’s allowance money just before the wife threw me out, so I was.”
Agnes and Charlie arm-in-arm
Meanwhile in Ireland understands that the conversation between Charlie and Agnes continued in this vein for an hour or two. Copious amounts of alcohol is said to have been consumed including a couple of Vodka and Coke.
Agnes and Charlie were last seen arm in arm singing The Fields of Athenry as they stumbled up the road to Charlie’s flat. Charlie, although stumbling, managed to hang on to the plastic bag containing eight cans of Stella.
Disclaimer
This article is satire. Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend. However, if you are offended, please inform us formally via a letter. You can ensure it gets to us by placing it in the nearest recycling bin.
