Guinness to be renamed as ‘Smirnoff Irish Stout’, Diageo confirms

The drinks manufacturing company Diageo have unveiled a new marketing strategy which will see the renaming of Guinness stout.

The company which was formed from a merger in 1997 when Guinness and Grand Metropolitan joined has now become one of the largest beer manufactures in the world.

The name Diageo was chosen from the combination of two words, dia meaning day and geo meaning world. The marketing spin was a reference to giving the world pleasure every day.

The Back Story

Speaking at a press conference to announce the renaming of Guinness to Smirnoff Irish Stout, Frank Schneider CEO of Diageo said.

“Our marketing department felt that it was time we put a bit of style into the marketing of Guinness. After all, Guinness has been around since 1759. It’s time it had a bit of a facelift. Isn’t it?” He asked.

“Yeah, I know they tried to give it a ‘younger’ appeal a few years ago with that lad jumping around on a surfboard — but let’s face it, it’s basically a drink associated with auld-lads slowly sipping one or two pints a night while reading the paper in the local.”

“No that’s not what we want — again let’s face it, those auld-lads basically spend feck-all money and to be honest they’re not going to be around forever. It’s time we went for a younger customer base, and Smirnoff has a lot more sex appeal than auld Arthur Guinness.” He said.

Well Feck Them Anyway

Responding to the question would the Irish public not feel a sense of abandonment if the Guinness name was dropped. Schneider answered, “Nah, and anyway feck them; we are an international conglomerate; it’s our shareholders we need to look after not Paddy the Pint-drinker. And we’re keeping the Irish bit in the name aren’t we!” he stated forcibly.

A Younger Customer Base

Mr Schneider continued to outline the new changes. “Smirnoff Irish Stout will be marketed towards a younger customer. We intend pushing the ‘stout on ice’ concept or ‘stout with a dash of lemon’, and for the really-really hip a ‘stout and tequila cocktail with one of them umbrellas stuck in, and strawberry plonked in the glass, with a big creamy head on it.’”

And For the Ladies

When asked if Diageo have any plans to increase its female customers? Schneider who is originally from Stuttgart replied complying with the Diageo standard company policy of whatever you say, say it with an Irish accent, stating “Ah be Jaysus sir, shur be God and be Gora we do surely.” He went on to describe the company plan to make Smirnoff Irish Stout more attractive to women drinkers.

“Our product sampling and market tests tell us that most women will not drink stout out of a fear that it might make them fart.

We’re going to change that. We have a series of TV ads ready showing a group of auld-fellas in a pub drinking the old Guinness and letting rip farts left, right and centre.

Then the scene changes to a kind of up-market wine bar place where you have these four cool-looking young chicks — like the four out of Sex in the City only a lot younger — and they’re sitting there sipping Smirnoff Irish Stout cocktails with the little umbrellas and reading Vogue and not a fart between them.”

Draught Drought

MeanwhileinIreland understands that local publicans are currently stockpiling rakes of draught Guinness and hope to have enough in stock to last through to Paddy’s Day.