The family of a missing Sligo man has taken to social media requesting that the public cease searching for Jimmy O’Connor (33) who has been missing for the past three months.
Jimmy, of 103 de Valera Heights, Sligo Town, went missing from his home during the early stages of October and, despite Garda, Civil Defence and volunteer searches, has not yet been found.
‘We don’t want him home!’
Speaking to reporters outside her Sligo home Mrs Greta O’Connor, Jimmy’s long-suffering mother, said: “To be honest, we sort-of wondered where he had got to but we weren’t really that concerned.
“But then some nosey do-gooder of a neighbour noticed that Jimmy wasn’t around and put his shagging picture up on Facebook saying he’d gone missing.”
“Jaysus, we had every fecking do-gooder and amateur fecking nosey-parker with nothing else to do but waste their fecking time looking for him every morning, noon and night.
“Then the Gardaí got involved with fecking search dogs, helicopters and all that sort of auld stuff. The honest to God truth is we don’t want the fecker back at all!” she screamed to stunned reporters.
“Jimmy is me eldest son and I loves him dearly but be-Jaysus meself and Paddy me husband and the two girls are fecking delighted he’s gone. We thought he’d never feck off,” she admitted.
A ‘Sesh Gremlin’
It appears that Jimmy is what they call in the West of Ireland a bit of a ‘Sesh Gremlin’ i.e. always up for a session, and we required the use of an urban dictionary to work out what that means.
It says: “is a mythical creature that appears to sesh on every full moon. The instigator of a majority of sesh-related chaos; when the sesh has finally ended, this despicable creature reverts back to its human form, only to re-emerge on the next sesh.’
Always on the sesh
“He was out on the sesh every fecking night, spending his dole money as if it grew on trees. And when it ran out he was constantly borrowing money from his two sisters — both of them with fine jobs as hairdressers,” Mrs O’Connor said.
“Then he’d roll in at about two or three in the morning, demand one of the girls cook him a curry, then he’d take to the bed leaving his dirty laundry all over the gaff and every bloody light in the house on.
“And don’t even talk to me about the immersion heater. Jaysus it was never switched off. You wouldn’t mind but he only showered once every two months, the smelly auld yoke.”
The whole family feels the same
Cynthia, Jimmy’s younger sister, told us; “We all agree with what mammy says. If it wasn’t a ballad session here it was a rave party there or a festival anywhere or sometimes just a piss-up if the town was quiet.
“And the worst of it is that he’d bring all his fecking mates home after the session. Jaysus the house is great without him. The last thing we want is to have the little fecker back,” Cynthia confessed.
Shacked up in Galway?
Meanwhile in Ireland has heard rumours that Jimmy is shacked up with some Jamaican-wan in student accommodation in Galway. However, the O’Connor family have sold their house and relocated without leaving a forwarding address.
This article is satire. We do satire articles because it is great craic and Irish people love it! Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend.