Keane has ‘no idea’ why McCarthy was tied up in car boot

Roy Keane has been forced to deny allegations that he kidnapped his former, and now the current, Ireland football manager Mick McCarthy, after the Englishman was discovered tied up in the boot of Keane’s BMW car. 

Keane was picked up by the London Metropolitan Police to face questioning about the discovery, but speaking to reporters after questioning finished, he shouted “I have no idea how he ended up there” before staring out each individual reporter. 

Keane the obvious suspect 

The police were tipped off by some of the coaches who work under McCarthy for Ireland that the former Ipswich manager was missing for quite some time and they had become concerned for his whereabouts. 

After the police discovered that McCarthy was last seen in Ireland after a training session with the national team, they immediately contacted the Gardaí who recommended they approach Keane “because of went down in Saipan in ‘02”. 

Locating Keane 

After taking some time to locate Keane, officers from the London police assisted by the Gardaí became aware that he was staying in a hotel in Dublin city centre. “You can take it from here, lads” said the Garda Sergeant in charge. “He’ll hurt us if we go near him”. 

Officers found Keane admonishing a group of young lads who were kicking the ball about in St Stephen’s Green. Keane could be heard shouting “You aren’t working hard enough!” and “Don’t be afraid to stick the boot in!” to the terrified boys. 

“Mr. Keane” the officer stated. “Come with us, please. We have reason to believe that you know the whereabouts of Mick McCarthy.” After a prolonged stare-down, Keane agreed to come. 

McCarthy’s body found in the car boot 

After receiving a warrant from a judge, the officers searched Keane’s car, which was parked just outside of St. Stephen’s Green and had been blocking the tram all day. After a fruitless search in the front and back, the officers opened the boot and made the discovery of McCarthy tied up. 

“I have no idea how he got in there,” Keane said. “I have no idea who this man is. I’ve been set up. Don’t dare try and tell me otherwise,” Keane concluded. 

“Sir, we believe you know exactly who this is. This is the man you fell out with in 2002, the man who virtually ended your World Cup hopes all those years ago. Are you trying to say you didn’t do this? It seems like you have a motivation.” 

Minutes had passed and Keane had still not blinked, before he broke his silence: “It wasn’t me. 2002 didn’t happen. He should have had better training facilities for us anyway, it was a joke,” Keane said, unaware of his slip of tongue. 

Officers won’t follow up 

After receiving next to nothing out of Keane and with no witnesses, Meanwhile in Ireland are aware that officers from the London police will drop the case and are not to pursue further charges. They believe it is time for Stephen Kenny to take charge of the Irish team and Mick McCarthy “is old news anyway”.