Local alcoholic ‘deeply concerned’ about Australian wildfires after Foster’s price hike

A Kildare man has taken to the streets of his hometown to voice his deep concern at the ten per cent increase in price on his favourite alcohol beverage.

Timmy Dolan (48) of No Fixed Abode, Nass, County Kildare, has spent more than two weeks criticising both the Australian and Irish governments for what he calls “a total lack of preparation in handling the Australian wildfire crisis”.

‘All I care about is the Foster’s’

“What I’m really worried about,” Timmy told passer-by’s as he occupied his time sitting on the footpath close to the AIB bank in Nass, “is the fecking ten per cent rise on the cans of Fosters.

“Both governments should have seen this coming and planned accordingly,” he told anyone who would listen and drop a few coins in his begging bowl, which we must say was few in number.

“Fosters is the only beer that I drink” he mumbled as one old lady dropped a Euro in his bowl. “But because of them fecking wildfires the shagging price has increased. It’s just not right, so it isn’t.”

They should have seen it coming

“Jaysus, it’s not as if the Aussies haven’t had fires before. Now they’re claiming logistical difficulties in transportation as the primary reason for the exorbitant price rise,” said Timmy.

The reporter deems it necessary to state that Timmy was once a student studied political science and economics before going on to become the local piss-head.

“Some of us depend on a stable price without fluctuation to adequately budget our daily alcohol consumption. Ten percent may not mean much to those lads in government but to the ordinary Alco on the streets it can mean the difference between eight cans a day and nine or ten cans a day.”

Stockpiles

“I mean like, if the Aussie Government had had the foresight to ensure a stable and secure logistical export plan there’d be no need for a price increase.

“Or if the Irish government had introduced a system of stock-piling — holding sufficient cans of cheap Fosters and only distributing them to those in need them – we wouldn’t have this problem.

“But no, that would be too much like thinking outside the shagging box for those gob-shites,” Timmy said as he continued to wave his begging-bowl at those who passed.

Don’t knock on my door

“The Irish government couldn’t plan a piss up in a shagging brewery. I’m telling you any fecking politician who calls to my shagging front door will be told exactly what I thinks of them,” Timmy, who lives on a park-bench and doesn’t actually have a front door, said.

Timmy, who spends most afternoons begging on the streets, estimates that he will need to spend an additional hour a day begging, to make up the shortfall in his spending power.

 Refuses to Cut Down

“I suppose I could cut down on the number of cans I purchase from Tesco,” he admitted, but that would have a large negative impact both on Tesco and on the subsidiary local economic supply chain.

“As the local Alco, I have a certain position to maintain and it simply doesn’t do to be seen cutting back. It sends out the wrong message. If people saw me cutting back on the cans of Fosters it could cause a run on the banks or another shagging recession, so it could,” he explained.