Man in coma after answering girlfriends “Does my bum look big?” question

A Limerick man remains in critical condition after what Gardai describe as a serious domestic incident, where his condition had deteriorated to the point where doctoes were forced to induce a coma.

Patsy Bateman (34) of Springfield Dive, Rosbrien, Limerick City was rushed by ambulance early yesterday evening to Limerick University Hospital after attending paramedics found him wandering the streets in a state of confusion.

Lacerations, cuts and bruises

Dr Seamus Flanagan, a consultant trauma specialist, told reporters: “The patient was admitted to UHL at around five yesterday afternoon suffering from lacerations, cuts and bruises. He had obviously been struck quite a few times to the head and there were also boot imprints to the buttock area.

“All poor Patsy could say was, ‘Jaysus me fecking head, she threw the bloody fridge at me so she did.’ He said this over and over again, ” Dr Flanagan said. Detective Inspector Lewis of Henry Street gardaí is now leading the investigation into what was obviously a vicious attack on Mr Bateman.

Balaclavas all the rage in Limerick

The Detective said; “Because of the severity of the injuries we assumed that the attack was likely to have been carried out by a gang of thugs with baseball bats. So we started rounding up anyone in the area wearing a balaclava and carrying a baseball bat, so we did.

“But this being Limerick that would have taken us a couple of months at least; balaclavas and baseball bats are quite the rage in Limerick, so they are. But we got a break in the case when we interviewed Mrs Clohessy who lives next door to Patsy and his girlfriend. If it wasn’t for nosey neighbours like Mrs Clohessy we’d never learn a thing.”

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

Mrs Clohessy told gardaí that Dymphna, who is Patsy’s new girlfriend, only moved in with poor Patsy so as she could live off his dole. It appears that poor auld Patsy was biding his time watching the Who Wants To Be A Millionaire programme on the television.

“Patsy loves his quiz shows so he does,” Mrs Clohessy explained. “He was just sitting there quiet as a mouse when the contestant was facing the question to bring his winnings up to the million. He had no lifelines left and he’d phoned all his friends so ’twas down to the final question.

“All of a sudden Dymphna comes out of the bedroom wearing a slutty top and a pair of skin-tight trousers that she’d bought in Penney’s and asked Patsy; ‘Does my bum look big in this?’ Patsy was so engrossed in the quiz he never heard her.

“He did shout out the answer to the final million-dollar question before the lad on the TV did. The next thing I heard was the fecking fridge flying across the room and hitting Patsy in the back of the head.”

The final question

Meanwhile in Ireland has researched the final question on that episode of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, the one that Patsy roared out when his girlfriend posed the question. It was “referring to animals, complete the following phrase — A Memory like an ……..”