A Cork Gardaí station was last night “working in fear” following revelations that one of its officers, Sergeant Marc O’Cinneide, was “let away with a caution” after stopping fellow Corkman Rory Keane for speeding.
O’Cinneide’s police report shows that, at around 10.39pm last night, he noticed a black Jaguar racing through Cork’s countryside just outside of Bantry at approximately 120 km per hour, 50 km over the speed limit.
Upon signalling the car to pull in, O’Cinneide had approached the driver’s door and was left so fearful by what followed that the Gardaí were considering offering “any and all psychological and emotional help” to help O’Cinneide overcome the ordeal.
The situation as it happened
While it is hard to take whatever is written in the police report as face value as O’Cinneide was more than likely “in a trance of fear” whilst penning it, it is generally believed that the following set of circumstances “are probably what happened” when O’Cinneide approached Keane, according to a Garda source.
As O’Cinneide approached the Jaguar, Keane had already had the car window down and was staring intently outside, eyes pierced and not a blink. “Zombies” by The Cranberries could be heard on loop on the radio.
The officer soon realised the magnitude of his mistake when he noticed that it was Roy Keane he had pulled over. O’Cinneide had attempted to slowly back track back to his car, but he was signalled over by Keane with a slight raise of the eyebrow.
Do you know who I am?
“Who the f**k do you think you are, pulling me over? Do you know who I am?” Keane said, without making any form of expression on his face. The Sergeant nodded and managed to let out an apology of some sort.
“Go on. This is your only caution. But let me remind you; there won’t be a next time”. In an instant, Keane had sped off, leaving O’Cinneide to wallow in the depths of fear. “I could feel the hatred burn through me,” O’Cinneide told himself.
Lucky to be let off with a caution
Upon returning to his station and informing fellow officers and those higher up the chain about his ordeal, James Kavanagh, Chief Superintendent of the Bantry Gardaí Division, admonished O’Cinneide for his errors.
“Are you serious, trying to arrest Roy Keane? Have you no sense ya absolute buck eejit ya? Of all people, you go and decide to pull over Roy Keane. We’ve lost three good officers to that before! Don’t you remember?
“You’re lucky he just let you off with a caution. He punched the last two officers that tried it and when we sent back up the first time, he had Sergeant Murphy in a headlock over the car bonnet. God knows why he was so soft on you.”
Meanwhile in Ireland believes that Sergeant O’Cinneide has been “suspended indefinitely” by the Bantry Gardaí for his “reckless behaviour and poor judgement”. Our reporters in Cork are also telling us that Keane is planning on making an appearance at the Gardaí station to warn off any other officers who try the same thing.
This article is satire. We do satire articles because it is great craic and Irish people love it! Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend.