In an attempt to revitalise Northern Ireland’s tourism industry another cruise liner will be sunk in the Mid Atlantic, following a dramatic announcement from the Northern Ireland Tourism Board (NITB).
Speaking to the press following the revelation, NI’s Minister for Tourism James Jones said; “It’s a sad fact but the number of visitors to N. Ireland has decreased and we need something to attract them back, so we do.
“We’ve had a good run out of the auld Titanic thingy,” he said. “But most people have seen the film, visited the centre and to use an industry term — bought the fecking T-shirt.”
‘We looked at the figures’
“We desperately need something new to attract the Yanks and Brits, and we’re even prepared to allow a few tourists up from the Free State if we have to,” the DUP minister said, then added; ” That would only be a last resort.”
“Myself and a few of the lads were having a secret sort of a meeting. We often hold secret meetings to get things sorted without Sinn Féin hanging around. This power-sharing thing isn’t all it is cracked up to be,” he admitted.
“Anyway, we looked at the figures and the Titanic thing was great for the North, so it was. ‘So why not do it again?’, we decided amongst ourselves.”
Plywood mock-up
It is believed that plans involve building a plywood mock-up of the second Titanic (early indications are that it will be called Titanic- Two.) “Then we’re going to tow it out into the middle of the Atlantic and sink the shagging thing,” the minister explained.
“Of course we’ll have a few actors paid to pretend they’re common folk heading off to a new life in America and we’ll live-blog the whole thing. Sort of like what the Yanks did on the Apollo Eleven Moon Landing thing that never really happened.
“Again, in all fairness, if we get the special effects right and a fair amount of shares on YouTube and Facebook it should do the trick. As I said the Yanks are fairly gullible, so they are.”
The plans are workable
Thomas Maher is a consultant marketing specialist and Meanwhile in Ireland asked his opinion of the plan. “It should work,” he told us. “The plan has the advantage of costing next to nothing or again, to use an industry term, ‘costing feck-all.’
“Plywood is fairly cheap in Northern Ireland since the bombing campaigns ceased a few years ago and the demand for boarding-up shop windows has declined.”
“Another factor is that by using specially trained actors who can do a few lengths of the breaststroke and by implementing proper health and safety procedures, this time there should be no one actually hurt.”
Carpenters from Free State need not apply
Maher went on; “Of course a lot depends on the gullibility of the Yanks but studies show that most of them really do believe what they see on social media. If the NI government spin it well enough and add in a bit of a love story it’s bound to attract tourists back to Belfast,” he concluded.
Applications from suitably qualified plywood carpenters who can swim a few lengths of the breaststroke are being sought. Carpenters from the Free State need not apply.
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