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    You are at:Home » News » Craic » Urgent appeal for missing man last seen when he got a girlfriend
    Craic Satire

    Urgent appeal for missing man last seen when he got a girlfriend

    Gerald LeinsterBy Gerald LeinsterOctober 14, 2019No Comments3 Mins Read
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    Friends and Family of a man missing from his home in Dundalk have issued an appeal for information on his whereabouts.

    Thomas Joseph McDonald (27) from Kilcurly, Dundalk has been missing since early last month.

    His friends, family and local Gardaí have called on the public to assist in locating Thomas Joseph known locally as Tommy Joe.

    Concerned Friends

    A spokesperson for the ‘Friends of Tommy Joe’ group — recently set up to locate Tommy Joe — Mickey Edwards, told us.

    “No one has seen sight nor sound of Tommy Joe in nearly a month now,” Mickey said, and then continued.

    “Jaysus! We’re really worried. He hasn’t been down in the pub or at any of the matches or even at Jimmy’s thirtieth birthday party. And we had a stripper booked and everything.” Mickey lamented.

    Strange Behaviour

    “What’s really-really strange is that he hasn’t even been up to his mother’s gaf for the dinner. Tommy Joe was always dependable.” Mickey went on.

    “There wasn’t a night he wasn’t down in The Fiddler’s sipping pints like there’s no tomorrow.

    “Or come to that, there wasn’t a hurling or football match he didn’t attend. It’s fecking strange, I tell you — like he’s vanished off the face of the earth.”

    Mammy not happy

    Tommy Joe’s mother Mrs McDonald (known locally as Tommy Joe’s Ma) spoke to our crime correspondent and said.

    “I’m really really worried.” Ma said. “He’d always drop round for the bit of dinner or to drop off his laundry. I’ve got a path worn to Saint Finbars lighting candles for his safe return.” Ma said as she blessed herself repeatedly.  

    “And what’s worse,” she went on. “Someone said that he had been paying attention to that young-wan who works behind the check-out beyond in Dundalk Town. And my friend Agnes said that she noticed on Facebook that Tommy Joe had changed his status to ‘In a Relationship.”

    ‘Very upsetting‘

    “It’s very upsetting. Wouldn’t you think if he had got himself a girlfriend he’d tell his Ma after I brought him into this world and raised him for twenty-seven-years?” Ma asked with tears in her eyes.

    “All I can say is if he has found himself a girlfriend, she must be a right b***h to steal my child away from me. Me! Who brought him into this world and raised him for twenty-seven hard fecking years.” She repeated before sobbing uncontrollably.

    The Girlfriend Abduction Theory

    Tommy Joe’s mate Mickey was inclined to agree with Ma on the girlfriend abduction theory. “Come to think of it,” he told us. “Tommy Joe was acting strangely before his disappearance.

    “He had started to buy his own clothes — instead of letting his Ma do it — and he had begun to brush his hair and wear aftershave.

    “Now that I recollect, Seany O’Grady was like that as well before he got himself a girl. Look at him now,” Mickey went on.

    “Married with two kids, shur we never see him in The Fiddlers anymore. A terrible shame, God rest him.”

    Dundalk Gardaí have asked for the publics help in tracing Tommy Joe and are adding his file to the long list of lads who have had the misfortune to get themselves a girlfriend.

    They have also warned single men in the area to be aware of women seeking a relationship and advised single men who are approached to always tell their Ma and best mates.

    Disclaimer

    This article is satire. Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend. However, if you are offended, please inform us formally via a letter. You can ensure it gets to us by placing it in the nearest recycling bin.

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    Gerald Leinster
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    Gerald Leinster is one of Ireland's most noteworthy journalists, columnists and commentator on Irish and international issues. Often accused of being more right-wing than Genghis Khan whom he admires greatly, Gerald is an Oxbridge graduate. He has authored many best-selling books including the recent ' The Margaret Thatcher I knew and Loved' and his previous bestseller 'Reagan, Bush, and Trump -- Gods of Their Time.' In his spare time, you might find Gerald relaxing on a golf course in Kildare, watching International rugby or dining out in Dublin's more fashionable restaurants. Although he strives for a professional journalistic apolitical stance, he feels strongly about the reunification of Ireland and the UK. He also holds membership of both Fine Gael and Fianna Fail.

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