10 things Irish women won’t tell you before you go out with them, revealed

A recent scientific study has uncovered startling facts in connection to how Irish women conduct themselves in the early stages of dating.

The study undertaken by Dublin Sociologist Dr Rebecca Grafton was conducted over five years and covered the vast range of idiosyncrasies practised by women in relationships’

In this feature, we will concentrate on one aspect of Dr Grafton’s study i.e. the ten things women won’t tell you during the sensitive first few dates.

1. How long it really took

A woman will never admit to spending up to four-hours getting ready for a date — and that doesn’t the three-hour hairdresser session which took place earlier that afternoon.

Dr Grafton’s study found that 98% of women spend at least three hours choosing their wardrobe for that first date and at least ten selfies sent to various girlfriends for advice.

2. That they tell their girlfriends everything

As a man, you might as well face up to it. From that first date onwards you will never have a secret. The woman in your life will spill the beans about every facet of your ‘intimate relationship with her very best friends — all sixty-five of them.

3. That they never really ‘like’ your other female friends

Dr Grafton’s study is emphatic on this one. 88% of the women surveyed admitted that while they will pretend to like and get on with there partner’s platonic female acquaintances they are not really that keen on the idea.

4. That they accept it if you fancy their female friends

Dr Grafton’s study found that a staggering 95% of women understand that you might fancy some of their female friends — but they will never admit this.

The reason being they secretly fancy most of your male friends, and the Manchester United football squad, as a matter of fact.

5. That they look like shite in the mornings

They know it and definitely don’t want you to know it but all women look crap in the mornings.

Dr Grafton’s study concludes that this is a major contributing factor to not staying over — or you not getting the leg over on the first date.

If you really want to get the auld ‘overnight’ bit of fun, drop a few hints that you suffer from a rare optical malfunction that severely affects your early morning eyesight.

The “I can’t see a thing until I’ve had four coffees” line gives them time to spend a few hours at the bathroom mirror thus keeping everyone happy.

6. “I’ve lost track of the number of guys I’ve slept with”

No women in her right mind will admit to having had a few, not to mention multiple partners. Seriously lads, all men especially Irish men prefer to think that they are ‘the first to go where no man has gone before.’

Ok as liberated twenty-first-century men, we respect a woman’s right to indulge herself but just because we give them the right doesn’t mean they have to use it!

7. That they don’t need a man in their life

Dr Grafton’s study shows that this is a difficult one for women. While 98.9% of women admitted that they actually don’t need a man in their lives, they all definitely didn’t answer this one truthfully.

8. That size matters

No women will say this, so you can relax. Yes, they might be looking for a chap who is — how can I put this — a bit better hung than you are but rest assured 85% of the women surveyed said they would never say this to a partner.

If you are unfortunate enough to get involved with one of the remaining 15%, well, perhaps you might be brilliant at fixing kitchen sinks. See Number 7 above.

9. That you remind her of he ex

No woman with any bit of cop-on will tell you that you remind her of her ex-boyfriend. They learn that at an early age.

Actually, if you do remind her of her ex he probably is a very cool guy, why not consider dating him?

10. “Come on, finish that, and I’ll get you another.”

Yes, they might say it once, but in fairness, that’s just to impress you and draw you into their wicked spider’s web.

We all know that having the few pints for Irish men, well, it’s sort of a religious thing with us.

No most women will spend a few hours sipping a bloody glass of some stupid shite while you’re gasping for a few more pints.

Like, in seriousness, you can’t be running off to the bar for fresh pints every few minutes, especially on a first date.

No lads if it’s a decent night out knocking back a few stick to going out with the lads.

Well, there you have it, a brief synopsis of Dr Grafton’s in-depth study of the Irish female’s unique mindset and its functions, especially those affecting behaviour in the given context of being honest and open with Irish men.

Oh God help us all!