A comprehensive study has revealed the tremendous changes to most women’s looks and behaviour as a result of the COVID-19 Lockdown.
An academic study carried out on behalf the Irish Institute of Social and Cultural Behaviour Database has revealed that 72% of Irish women’s characters, looks, and general behaviour patterns have changed into what you would expect from their mothers.
The change has been linked to the enforced lockdown brought about by the COVID situation.
Speaking at a press conference to announce the results of the study held at the Institute’s Blackrock headquarters, Professor Brian Dalton of the ISCBD told reporters,
“While we were aware of some anecdotal tales of men complaining that their wives, girlfriends, and partners seemed to have gone through a metamorphosis resulting in them bearing a much closer resemblance to their mothers — closer than one would expect in younger women.
“Until now, with the conclusion of our study, we can now confirm the facts.”
Changes became exponential
Professor Dalton continued, “Our study proves without a doubt that the enforced lockdown has had a startling effect on women. Many men interviewed told us that the changes in their wives were slow at first.
“Still, as the lockdown was extended, the changes became exponentially quicker.”
Professor Dalton spoke about one man, Jack (not his real name), in his discussion, “Jack was very honest and forthright with us.
“He told us that while he was working from home, he began to notice strange changes in his wife’s looks, behaviour, and general demeanour.”
Speaking from behind a screen to protect his anonymity, Jack shocked the assembled media with his story.
“It was fairly slow at the beginning,” he said, “But as the weeks went on, Sheila, me wife (not her real name), just began to change, so she did.
“Like, as she ran out of makeup and couldn’t get to the hairdressers, it had a terrible effect on her appearance.
“Then, of course, she started on the junk food and the few bottles of cheap wine that we had managed to hoard from the last visit to Tesco.
“Suddenly, one morning she was her mother. Just like that, a big fat behind on her and the boobs sagging all over the place.
“And, of course, as the red wine started to kick in by lunchtime, she wasn’t making a bit of sense — just like her Ma she was.
“Like, she couldn’t be bothered to get up off the sofa. It was the same thing everyday, opening the vino at 10:00 and downing about three bottles while watching her bloody daytime TV. Just like her shagging Ma again, always fond of the drop.
“And the bloody nagging — that was a killer altogether, so it was.
“And I stuck at home with her and no work to escape to; seriously, if I find out that the Chinese started the coronavirus on purpose, I’ll shagging bust them, so I will.”
An angry Jack told the hardened reporters and many of whom were in tears after hearing his story.
In a brave and emotional outpouring of what can only be described as his most intimate thoughts, Jack described how his wife’s change of looks and behaviour affected his sexual prowess.
An obviously upset Jack recounted, “I must have had that erectile dyslexia thing, so I must. Honestly, lads, I just couldn’t manage it.
“Jaysus, each night we’d go to bed, and she’d be there in that smelly nightgown that she’d have been wearing all day and with her hair in rollers. ‘Twas like sleeping with the mother-in-law — I just couldn’t perform.
“Like, before the lockdown she’d be at the hairdressers every few days and to be honest she must have kept Ann Summers in business; honestly, I used to fancy the socks off her.
“But not anymore, I just can’t look at her now without thinking of me mother-in-law, or worse, me Granny. God, it’s terrible.”
Helpline to be set up
MeanwhileinIreland would like to extend our sympathy to Jack and the thousands of Irish men who found themselves in a similar situation.
A helpline is being set up for those most affected, and we hope to publish details as soon as they come to hand.
This article is satire. We do satire articles because it is great craic and Irish people love it! Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend.