Priest deems news that a Cavan man finally bought round as ‘miracle’

A County Cavan cleric has announced that he believes the reports that one of his parishioners who finally bought a round of his own in a pub is a “miracle” and has notified the Vatican of the phenomenon.

Fr Brian O’Shea told a press conference that the reports that Mickey Joe Murphy paid for a round of drinks last week are true and accurate and that he is now in the process of reporting the occurrence through the correct channels to have the Vatican declare the occurrence as a Divine miracle.

The cannon law process

Fr O’Shea outlined the cannon-law process for the benefit of international press that had assembled. The Congregation for the Causes of Saints, the Vatican office that oversees reported miracle applications, needs to be convinced that the occurrence was sudden, complete, instantaneous and cannot be subject to scientific explanation.

Father O’Shea said: “Mickey Joe’s ordering of a round of drinks and then actually putting his hand in his pocket to pay for them certainly qualifies as a miracle and I’m sure the Vatican will agree.”

Witnessed by five friends

“It is obvious even to non-believers (that English and South Dublin RTÉ lot) that Cavan men will never, on their own volition, put their hand in their pocket in a bar,” the Parish Priest said, before continuing: “But Mickey Joe’s actions were witnessed by at least five of his friends.”  

“The five friends are all locally well-respected sheep farmers who, after a hard days work tending their flocks, dropped into O’Donovan’s bar to slate their thirst. This is a fairly regular occurrence,” the priest explained.

“All of a sudden like,” the Father continued, “Mickey Joe, as cool as a breeze, appeared before them and simply asked: ‘What are you having lads? Let me get you all a pint’.”

The lads in shock

“I’m telling you the lads were in shock — they honestly thought that Mickey Joe was possessed. I mean you just never hear a Cavan man come out with an offer like that,” the priest explained, to the astonishment of the international press.

“Ok, there had been rumours that Mickey Joe had had a big win in the Lotto, and that he had got a good deal on the sale of fifteen acres his aunt left him and that his wife had just given birth to a baby but, let’s be honest, Cavan men simply never buy a round.

“The normal thing to do would be to stash the cash in the back of the drawer and tell no one. But to go out and buy a round of five pints and a few bags of crisps — Jaysus that’s never happened in Cavan before, no.”

The priest then continued, inspiringly: “There definitely was divine intervention — in the name of Jaysus there must have been!” he exclaimed, growing more and more excited.

Sainthood

The Congregation for the Causes of Saints and the Certification of Miracles based in the Vatican have acknowledged receipt of Fr O’Shea’s claim and a spokesperson said that the Pope is personally interested in the case although it is too early for him to consider the beatification of Mickey Joe.

Cavan gardaí are reporting major traffic hold-ups in and around Cootehill as busloads of pilgrims from adjoining counties Monaghan, Leitrim, Fermanagh and Meath visit O’Donovan’s Bar where the miracle took place.