In a shock announcement, the Irish Government have introduced a new minimum pricing structure for alcohol which comes as part of the government’s policy to curtail excessive alcohol consumption across the country.
The new pricing structure will raise the price of a pint of beer to nine-euros and has left the nation’s drinkers reeling after hopes of a reduction in the prices were quickly dashed.
A city up in arms
Media images in the aftermath of the announcement show thousands of yellow-jacket style protestors on Dublin City Centre streets and Gardaí have reported wide-scale rioting and public disorder.
It is believed that cars, lorries, buses and the statue of Molly Malone have been overturned and set alight as the drinking public vents its anger.
Temple Bar has been declared a no-go area and a city-wide curfew has been imposed. Units of the Army Ranger Wing have been put on alert to aid the civil powers if required.
Emergency Cabinet Meeting
Speaking after an emergency cabinet meeting Taoiseach Leo Varadkar was adamant that his government would “not back down” on their decision to increase the price of a pint.
“We as a Government will do what’s best for the people of Ireland, whether they like it or not. Nine-euros a pint isn’t all that much, now, is it?” said the Taoiseach, who is on €200,000 a year and is known for never actually putting his hand in his pocket.
“It’s not all about the money. We’re trying to introduce the citizens to a better lifestyle. The extra tax-take will be handy, with Brexit and all that crappy economic stuff that’s going on,” the Taoiseach said, who, coincidentally, failed economics in the Leaving Cert.
The protestors’ view
Danny O’Shea, who is one of the organisers of the People Protect the Price of a Pint group (PPPP), interrupted his burning of an effigy of Varadkar outside Leinster House to speak to the press.
“It’s way too much much. We in the PPPP will not let this happen — the government will be forced to back down,” he shouted through his megaphone whilst pointing towards the Government buildings.
“You’ve seen the power of our Yellow Jacket Protestor brothers in France. They took to the streets and forced the French Government to do a complete u-turn, and that was only about fecking road tax or something equally stupid.
“We’re not going to let them get away with nine-shagging-euros a pint. No fecking way,” he shouted as the crowd, estimated to be five thousand, took up the chant of “No fecking way!” with him.
The price of pints across Europe
“I mean for the love of Jaysus,” O’Shea continued. “Look at the prices of a pint across Europe. It’s around €4.80 or something a pint in Dublin. Jaysus, compare that to Spain where a pint will only cost you two fecking quid.
“Ah, that’s totally out of fecking order that is. And now that shower wants to raise it up to nine quid a pint. Ah, Jaysus wept…” He concluded.
Protests continue
As protests continue across Dublin and other major cities throughout the country, Meanwhile in Ireland can report that some members of the Cabinet are considering forcing Leo to back down and do the usual stunt when he fecks-up; blame Shane Ross.
Disclaimer
This article is satire. Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend. However, if you are offended, please inform us formally via a letter. You can ensure it gets to us by placing it in the nearest recycling bin.
