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    You are at:Home » News » Craic » €22 minimum spend on food ‘before you can get pint’, Government says
    Craic Satire

    €22 minimum spend on food ‘before you can get pint’, Government says

    Gerald LeinsterBy Gerald LeinsterAugust 7, 2020No Comments3 Mins Read
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    More uncertainty for publicans and drinkers as Government announces radical new pub pricing rules amid the Covid-19 pandemic. 

    €22 minimum spend on food ‘before you can get pint’, Government says

    In a shock announcement made late last night the, National Crisis Management Group (NCMG) introduced new pricing structure for those wishing to use bars during the Covid-19 restrictions.

    ‘Based on solid scientific evidence’

    The decision to increase the minimum spend is based solely on solid scientific evidence, according to the Irish government.
    Credit: commons.wikimedia.org

    The €9 minimum-spend on ‘a substantial meal’ has been increased to €22 in what the Government are calling ‘a necessary step to curb the spread of Covid 19.

    Government Press Spokesperson Ms. Cynthia Smith spoke to reporters outside Government Buildings last night: “We need to take strong positive action to curb the spread of the virus.

    “We also need to look at the broader economic situation and cut our cloth to our measure. The decision to impose this new minimum spend is based on solid scientific evidence,” Ms. Smith said.

    “The Chief Medical Officer went on Facebook and read lots of stuff that said that people in pubs drink and when they drink they get drunk and when they get drunk they start hugging and kissing and all that sort of nonsense with no thought for the social distancing.”

    Hidden 50% tax

    There is a hidden 50% built in to the 22 euro charge for food.

    “Anyway,” Ms. Smith continued, “we have to think of the whole cash-flow issue. Jaysus, this bloody Covid thing is costing us a fortune.

    “We reckon that by increasing the minimum spend and sticking a great big 50% tax on the price we should raise enough dosh to carry us through — that and the cash we can scrounge of Europe,” she concluded.

    Vintners Response

    Publicans deserve to know the evidence for this decision, according to Padraig Crowe.

    The Vintners’ Federation of Ireland Chief Executive, Padraig Crowe, told Meanwhile in Ireland that publicans deserve to know what evidence there is for keeping ordinary (non-food-serving) pubs closed, stating that all the scientific data that is being used as the basis to keep their businesses closed should be made public.

    “It’s all fine and good your man the CMO fella going on Facebook and reading some nonsense but I’d like to see evidence that by paying €22 for a bit of a chicken and chip meal you are somehow inoculating yourself from catching Covid.

    “I mean for the love and honour of Jaysus, what sort of magical medical properties does a plate of shagging chicken or a Sunday roast have that an ordinary toasted ham sandwich or even your standard bag of dry roasted peanuts doesn’t? I’d like to see what the World Health lads say about that, so I would.

    What about those Yanks?

    There is anger that, despite the raise in prices, Americans have been allowed to enter freely.

     “And another thing. What’s the story with letting thousands of disease-ridden Yanks fly into the country and wander around Temple Bar with their gold-plated credit cards?

    “’Tis easy for them to fork out for fancy expensive meals but no so easy for the poor auld Paddy with a thirst on him,” he, said banging the table.

    Exemption for Dáil 

    The Dáil Bar in Government Buildings will be exempt from the charge increase.

    Meanwhile in Ireland understands that the proposed price increases will not apply to the Dáil Bar and arrangements are well in hand for Government politicians to continue to enjoy subsidies on drink and fancy food.  

    Disclaimer

    This article is satire. Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend. However, if you are offended, please inform us formally via a letter. You can ensure it gets to us by placing it in the nearest recycling bin.

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    Gerald Leinster
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    Gerald Leinster is one of Ireland's most noteworthy journalists, columnists and commentator on Irish and international issues. Often accused of being more right-wing than Genghis Khan whom he admires greatly, Gerald is an Oxbridge graduate. He has authored many best-selling books including the recent ' The Margaret Thatcher I knew and Loved' and his previous bestseller 'Reagan, Bush, and Trump -- Gods of Their Time.' In his spare time, you might find Gerald relaxing on a golf course in Kildare, watching International rugby or dining out in Dublin's more fashionable restaurants. Although he strives for a professional journalistic apolitical stance, he feels strongly about the reunification of Ireland and the UK. He also holds membership of both Fine Gael and Fianna Fail.

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