Dublin’s Heuston Station saw an all-out security incident on Monday after a train arrived on time. The incident caused the mass evacuation of hundreds of intending passengers and brought widespread disruption to travellers.
A statement issued by Irish Rail confirmed the security incident and reads as follows:
“Staff suspicions were aroused early this morning when the eighty-thirty inter-city train from Cork arrived on time. This was the first time in over twenty-five years that our inter-city Cork train — or any other train — arrived on schedule.”
“Our station staff,” the statement went on, “became immediately suspicious fearing that the train had been hijacked by a terrorist cell.”
Highly Trained Train Staff
Peter Casey, Station manager at Heuston Station spoke to reporters and said:
“Our station staff are exceptionally well trained in all matters relating to station security and operate on a constant high level of awareness.
“They are trained to keep a sharp look-out for anything out of the ordinary and the on-schedule arrival of the morning inter-city from Cork is definitely out of the fecking ordinary.” He said.
Arrived on Platform Four
“No, but seriously,” Casey continued — obviously enjoying being interviewed for television — “When it pulled in on time it scared the shite out of the lads — can I say shite on television?”
“Anyway Jimmy Fitzpatrick the big lad over there with the trolley,” he told reporters and pointed to Jimmy who waved at the cameras.
“Well, Jimmy figured straight away that the train must have been hijacked by some of them non-union Middle Eastern terrorist gangs that you read about. There is no chance in hell that a train driven by one of our drivers would arrive on time and break decades of tradition.”
“Straight away we instigated the Lock-Down Protocol. We’re trained to do that.
“Molly in the canteen told the customers to finish up and exit the station and Jimmy put on his hi-viz jacket, the one that says Indecent Manager on the back — it should say Incident Manager but some of the lads were messing — and began to put the plastic cones down around the platform.
“That’s the first thing to do in an emergency, put down plenty of plastic cones.” He informed the media.
“Luckily young Seamy the apprentice fitter had the presence of mind to call the local garda station and I suppose they called in the Emergency Response Unit and the Army Bomb Squad lads. Jaysus, those shagging sniffer dogs left an awful mess. It’s going to take weeks and buckets of bleach to get rid of the smell of dog piss. Feck, can I say piss on television?” He asked.
“Anyway ’twas all a false alarm thank God.” He informed us. “You see what happened was that Mickey Higgins the driver from Cork had forgotten that the clocks had gone back for autumn and so had Biddy his wife.”
“Shur, Mickey left Cork an hour before he was meant to with a fecking empty train.”
“Mickey is not the brightest shiny-thing in the chandelier. If you know what in mean?” He asked. “Anyway all’s well that ends well and no real harm was done.” He concluded.
Meanwhile in Ireland has since learned that Irish Rail is expected to issue an apology to those disrupted customers in Dublin along with those left behind in Cork, sometime over the next few months.