Let’s face it lads — and we all know Irish women can be mad at times, you can’t live with them and in fairness; you can’t live without them.
That’s just the way it is — a sort of a fact of life; take it or leave it.
The best you can hope for is peaceful coexistence and to achieve this coexistence, the best thing that men can do is at times keep the gob shut.
Now, keeping the auld gob shut all the times is a big ask I know that but at the very least never say any of the following…
1 – “Jaysus you’ll freeze if you go out in that!”
Always remember a lot of women spend a fair bit of time trying to dress up and look good.
Not for them the grabbing of the cleanest dirty shirt — as the song says.
No, they actually set about choosing clothes to accentuate their assets.
So, if that means wearing revealing tops and skirts even at the risk of suffering hypothermia in the freezing smoking area of an Irish pub, if that’s what they want to do let them at it.
2- Have you lost weight?
A funny question this, I mean you can ask any man the same thing and you’ll get an honest reply like “well, we’re back in training for the county semi-final.” Or “the Ma is away so there’s no fecking food in the house.”
But ask a woman the same question, and you are taking the chance of getting a quick slap, or at the very least a dirty look and you can forget any chance of getting a bit of the “you know what.”
Women can be weight-conscious so when you ask “have you lost a bit of weight?” you might think you’re giving them a bit of a compliment but what she hears is “God! You’re less fat than you were last week.” As I said, mad!
3 – How are you getting on at work?
If you ask this question be sure to forget any plans you might have for the rest of the night — it will take your average Irish woman at least four to five hours just to give you a simple answer.
I honestly don’t know why but Irish women can’t seem to answer this question with a simple “fine, thank you for asking.”
No, you’ll get a diatribe on the boss, the bitch at the next desk, the new guy who started in accounts etc, etc.
They will go on for ages as to how “your wan, in personnel, doesn’t like the other wan in goods-inwards all because one day they wore the same style dress” or some other nonsense.
As we go to press we hear that Japanese scientists are developing a new camera with a shutter speed so fast that it can actually photograph an Irish woman with her mouth closed.
Seriously lads, stick to the simple yes or no questions it’s safer and easier on the auld head.
4 – Mentioning your mother or your ex.
If you are at the “getting serious” stage of a relationship the worst topic for a conversation you could pick is a conversation on either your misfortunate mother or any recent girlfriends you may have graced with your attention.
A lot of women seem to — at least at the first stages of a relationship — resent any other female that may have at one stage passed through your life.
You see in the minds of some women, any other woman is a competitor for your affections, they see it as a threat.
You must understand that in your current girlfriend’s mind, your mother is a much better cook than her and your ex probably was a super-model who is still waiting in the wings to win you back.
5 – Say Something is ‘Grand’
In Ireland the word ‘grand’ is not really a word at all, it’s more of a paragraph.
As Irish men, we use the term “grand” to cover a multitude of responses. Examples would include: “how’s the new car going? Answer — “Grand.”
Most other nationalities would have replied with a sentence or two describing the new car. No, but not the Irish, with us it’s just “grand.”
However this doesn’t wash with Irish women, especially if they are asking your opinion on what they have spent hours deciding what to wear, or hours cooking you a meal and now want your valued opinion.
No, lads you really do need to brush up saying the right thing and using the correct response.
Take for example, when asked about what she’s wearing; there are a few standard responses which will get you out of trouble. Try the following: “that really suits you” or “it makes you look elegant” or a simple “that colour is really you.”
Actually, a half an hour spent reading a woman’s magazine can teach you a few stock phrases to get you out of trouble. Just remember to vary them around a bit.
But be careful to get the timing right, like, if she serves you up a vindaloo curry don’t use the “that colour really suits you,” line or you might end up wearing it.
Ok, so there you have it, a few things you never ever say to an Irish woman.
To any woman out there who might read this please remember it is only a tongue in cheek look at the battle between the sexes…anyway after writing this I’m moving to Outer Mongolia and really ladies you’re all “Grand,” keep up the good work, for in fairness and for all your faults you’re great to put up with us men.