Brexit Britain has been given an entire new dimension, after the London Government announced the suspension of French kissing from the start of the new year.
Boris Johnson’s Conservative government have announced that from the first of January 2021, the form of affectionate kissing commonly called the ‘French Kiss’ will be outlawed in the United Kingdom.
A ‘French Kiss’ is an amorous deep kiss in which the participants’ tongues extend to touch each other’s lips or tongue. The kiss stimulates the partner’s lips, tongue and mouth and is often the prelude to sexual foreplay.
The current Brexit transition period of twelve months expires on 1 January 2021. It is not expected that a UK/EU deal will be brokered in time to halt this latest disagreement in the ever-worsening relationship between London and Brussels.
Prelude to Anglo-French conflict
The banning of ‘French kissing’ is seen by some political commentators as a prelude to the heightening of Anglo/French diplomatic conflicts and might possibly lead to an increase in tensions regarding the Channel Tunnel and cross channel trade.
Dominic Cummings, Boris Johnson’s Chief Advisor, spoke to the press outside 10 Downing Street yesterday afternoon. “Both the Prime Minister and his government are fully behind this move. In fact, it is probably one of the only issues that they are in full agreement on,” he added.
“We in the Conservative Party want to take back control of the way we kiss. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a good old English peck on the cheek providing, of course, you have been properly introduced and have gone to the right school with her brother,” Cummings said.
Royal Commission set up to examine the country
The senior advisor and very best friend of the Prime minister went on to detail that since Britain left the EU last January the government set up a royal commission to look at how badly fecked-up the country actually is.
“We were amazed at the findings,” Cummings admitted. “Basically the country is fecked. Massive unemployment, massive health care issues, massive immigration and massive amounts of people leaving school without a shagging education, and it’s all a result of fecking French Kissing.”
How could French kissing cause this?
Asked to explain how French kissing could have caused the ‘massive’ problems facing Britain post-Brexit Cummings explained: “Britain joined the EU back in 1973, and that was the start of our problems.
“Fair enough, Maggie Thatcher was in power for the early years and to be honest Maggie would put anyone off sex. But then when Maggie left power the French took full advantage and introduced their fecking French kissing to our shores. It wasn’t long before everyone was at it day and shagging night, so they were,” Cummings revealed.
Morality went out of the window
“Shur with every Tom, Dick and Sheila going around sticking their tongues down each other’s throat it wasn’t before long before they were having babies, babies and more shagging babies. Now those babies have all grown up and are looking for bloody jobs, health care and a fecking education.
“We simply have too many shagging people living off the state,” he concluded, before adding: “It’s all the fault of French kissing and them dirty French Can-Can dancers showing their knickers to all and sundry.”
Make Britain Great Again
We understand that the Conservative Government intent to ‘Make Britain Great Again’ by going back to the moral codes of Queen Victoria; the days when Britannia ruled the waves, women didn’t show their ankles and a peck on the cheek was reserved solely for your granny.
Disclaimer
This article is satire. Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend. However, if you are offended, please inform us formally via a letter. You can ensure it gets to us by placing it in the nearest recycling bin.
