The Irish Tourism Association and Health Authority have issued a joint statement confirming that kissing the Blarney Stone immunises people from Coronavirus.
The statement was issued to quell the fears of ten’s of thousands of yearly visitors to the tourist attraction who kiss the stone in the belief that it bestows them with the power of eloquence.
Immunity
Speaking to the press, Dr Thomas Longfellow said “for donkey’s years now people have been coming to kiss the stone, and there hasn’t been one recorded case of anyone catching anything from it. As a matter of fact, we believe that by kissing the Blarney Stone, the kisser develops immunity from all sorts of viruses, so they do.”
The Doctor went on to reveal. “We honestly believe that years ago the stone was blessed by Saint Patrick himself who besieged the Almighty to not only bestow the gift of eloquence on those who kiss it but to also protect them from catching a virus or being caught out by internet scammers. St Patrick was a very futuristic saint, so he was.” Dr Longfellow told a slightly sceptical press.
Look at it this way,” Dr Longfellow continued. “The stone has been kissed since the days of the Black Plague, the Asian Bird Flu and the Ebola thingy. Jaysus we even had that AIDS thing and not one person caught nothing. No, nada and zilch, so they didn’t.” The Doctor said.
Medical Proof
One member of the British medical press asked the Doctor to expand as to how the Blarney Stone had the power to immunise those who kissed it?
Doctor Longfellow answered, “Well, to be honest, we’re not really sure to be sure, but as I said it has probably something to do with Saint Paddy and his great love for the people of Cork.”
The Doctor said then continued, “But there is a theory being put about by some scientist lads that were over from Oxford that it might have something to do with the fairies, so it might.” Said the Doctor —who was seriously making things up as he went along and, to be honest, had the ‘gift of the gab’ himself.
“Anyway,” the Doctor went on. “Shur once or twice a fortnight young Jimmy O’Shea cycles up from the village and gives the stone a good scrubbing with a wire brush and a few drops of Dettol, so he does. We don’t take no chances with hygiene, so we doesn’t.” Said the Doctor who was desperately trying to save Blarney from dwindling tourist numbers.
Honesty
MeanwhileinIreland in the interest of keeping our readers fully informed and in line with open and honest journalism feel the need to point out the following.
We have discovered that Dr Longfellow may not, in fact, be a doctor in the strict sense of the term but is known locally as ‘a bit of a chancer’ who owns the sandwich stall situated just at the gates near the Blarney Stone.
Disclaimer
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