Local cheapskate found 37 years after ‘disappearing’ before buying round

The County Sligo village of Ballytubradine was celebrating yesterday after news broke that a man missing for over thirty-seven-years had been found alive and well.

Murty Collins, originally from County Cavan, had moved to the Sligo village in 1982 but was reported missing after three months of living there. Mayor of Ballytubradine Jimmy McDermott who, surprisingly for a Sligo man speaks fairly understandable English, spoke to reporters who had gathered outside the local post office.

Something like CSI

“It was really weird, like one of them things you’d see on TV, the kind of thing that them CSI lads would be after investigating or the whole fecking Lord Lucan disappearance. Jaysus, for a while we thought that Murty had been abducted by aliens.

“And when I say aliens I’ don’t mean them lads from Latvia that does the bit of block laying for Pa Healy. No, I means them real alien lads from Mars or somewhere,” he said as he relished the attention being given to him by the world’s media.

The night of the county final

“I remember the night well,” he admitted to Sky News’ West of Ireland correspondent. “It was the night of the county final and we had beaten Tourmafecken by five points in a tough game, so we had. Jaysus there wasn’t a cow milked in Ballytubradine that night.

“Murty wasn’t long living in the village but he seemed to be integrating here well enough. Himself and ten of the lads were sitting in a smallish group over there be the fire.” He pointed to the turf fire that was lighting inside the pub which doubled as the post office and also doubled as the local shop.

Murty’s turn to buy a round

“There they were the ten lads and Murty, all twelve of them knocking back the pints to beat the band, so they were. No sooner than one lad would buy a round, well as sure as Jaysus another lad would shout ‘up the RA’ then pop up and get another twelve pints of Guinness.

“Shur this went on all night so it did until someone realised that poor Murty hadn’t been given the chance to put his hand in his pocket. I suppose in all the confusion the lads forgot.

“Now, no one wanted Murty to feel like he wasn’t one of the lads so young Jimmy O’Keeffe said ‘go on Murty we won’t insult you by not letting you buy a round so we won’t.’ Jimmy is fairly thoughtful like that so he is,” the mayor explained to the waiting media.

Never got the chance

“To make a long story short, up Murty gets and heads to the bar. Jaysus, that was the last we ever seen of him. He just vanished into thin air. ‘Twas an awful pity so it was, just as he was about to buy his round, shur the poor divil never got the chance.”

Meanwhile in ireland understands that Murty, like all Cavan men when facing the prospect of having to buy a round, went into some class of a shock and wandered off into the hills. It is believed he lived in a cave for the thirty-seven years living off three cans of baked beans that he had found. Cavan men can do that.