Masses of Irish Coronavirus victims exposed as being ‘just hungover’

The Employer’s Organisation of Ireland has issued a statement saying that their members are troubled by the large number of employees who are using the Coronavirus as a false excuse to stay of work.

Mr Charles Pery who is Chairman of the Employer’s Organisation EOI told a hastily convened press conference held in Dublin‘s Mansion House today that his members were being plagued by false claims for sick leave.

Pulling a Sicky

“It’s as if the whole country is using the virus as an excuse to pull a ‘sicky’ and remain on full pay,” Pery said.

“Ok, we’re fairly used to their grannies dying once, twice and even three times a year. Or the whole bad-back syndrome that miraculously reoccurs the morning after Ireland plays a soccer match. But this is a new one on most of our members. It’s gone beyond a joke, so it has.”

“One of our members who operates a haulage company in Sligo told me that one of his store-men phoned up the other day saying he had eaten a Chinese sweet and sour the night before and as he now felt unwell he was going to self-isolate but his wife would call in for his wages.”

“He was seen on Facebook the next day sunning himself in Lanzarote drinking bottles of shagging Corona curing his hangover after taking advantage of a cheap last minute flight.” Pery related.

Medical Report

Dr Daragh Ryan is the Chief Virologist at Our Lady of the Miraculous Intervention Hospital in Dundalk. Dr Ryan was employed by the EOI to carry out an urgent study into the misuse of the Coronavirus as a means to excuse workplace absences.

“In the course of my research over the past two weeks, I’ve noted that the virus and self-isolation are becoming a ‘the dog eat my homework’ excuse for grown-ups.” Dr Ryan, who is generally considered a smart lad, told the press.

“We’ve seen cases of the Corona excuse popping up all over the country. It’s as if people are willy-nilly just going out on the batter with not a care in the world knowing that if they don’t make it in to work tomorrow, they’ll have a ready-made reason.”

“I have heard of a case where one factory worker phoned in sick after a night out on the beer and told his boss that he had heard that the local postman delivered a letter from home to a Chinese family down the road then called to his house. Now he has decided he needs to self-isolate for two weeks with full pay.”

“Another office worker has decided to self-isolate; he smokes forty cigarettes a day, drinks like a fish and is as fat as a fool. He says he’s suddenly developed problems with his breathing — Jaysus he has been on oxygen for the past five years. Seriously it’s gone beyond a fecking joke.”

Sex Workers 

Dr Ryan’s report throws up one particularly interesting fact; it appears that Dublin and other major cities have seen an upturn in the numbers of sex-workers plying their trade on the streets.

Apparently, the arrival of the Coronavirus has seen many men becoming new customers. The school of thought seems to be if you’re going to catch a virus you might as well have fun doing so.