The man from East Antrim has laid claim to the throne of the DUP, out-angering the already angry leader Jeffrey Donaldson. Read on for the full scoop.
In a twist that has now become emblematic of the fate of the Democratic Unionist Party (DUP), party leader Jeffrey Donaldson has been ousted for the more moderate (coughs into hand) Antrim man Sammy Wilson.
Inside sources leaked a variety of reasons that led Wilson to topple the Daniel O’Donnell lookalike.
Still, chief among them was his refusal to get behind the petition to change the name Derry Girls to ‘Londonderry Girls’ and something about a protocol.
Whatever the reason, we expect Mr Wilson to be ousted in another few weeks, only for the process to repeat itself hopelessly until a united Ireland comes about.
Fury and anger – unionist buzzwords
It is believed that Sammy Wilson said the buzzwords of ‘fury’, ‘angry’, ‘unacceptable’, and ‘Republic propaganda’ a ratio of 4:1 compared to his counterpart Jeffrey Donaldson in a recent in-house debate.
Meanwhile in Ireland research found that unionist politicians used the words ‘fury’ and ‘anger’ approximately 2,456 times across the past year in various newspapers. So, these words were likely to tip the scale.
It is not clear why Donaldson fell short of the quota of mentioning the words a minimum of 50 times.
However, some witnesses to the events say that the only words Wilson uttered were “furious anger” and so won the debate easy.
The party’s new direction – following Sammy Wilson’s lead
Speculation has mounted as to the course and nature of the DUP’s future in the wake of the new revolt.
Some speak of “perpetual revolt”, with Gregory Campbell, Nigel Dodds, and, sensationally, Peter Robinson all waiting in line to pounce.
As for Samuel, there is much of the same old denial, just with much more fury and anger. Wilson’s first words in charge were “the Irish Republican Protocol”, which is signal enough of the new leader’s direction.
“We will never accept a border down the Northern Irish sea,” Wilson said to other DUP members. Others were heard shouting and calling for full Irish re-entry to the Union as well.
Sammy gave a wholesome thumbs up to the proposal.
Declining to speak to us – it’s all in the name
When pressed for questioning by Meanwhile in Ireland, Sammy Wilson refused to answer. He said he doesn’t acquaint with any institution that ignores the partition of Ireland in its name. That’s no bother to us, Sammy.
You could hear chants of “Fury, fury, fury!” echoing the local leisure centre in his North Antrim constituency as Sammy Wilson triumphantly departed the room.
Some punters are hopeful in suggesting that Sammy will see out the remainder of 2021 as leader.
However, the more pragmatic of us see a rise and fall all in the space of the next three weeks. We’ll have all the latest here.
Disclaimer
This article is satire. We do satire articles because it is great craic and Irish people love it! Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend.
