Success for North Dublin as accent voted ‘sexiest’ in Mountjoy Jail

The unique North Dublin accent has been chosen as the ‘sexiest’ accent in Dublin’s Mountjoy Prison for the third year running, Meanwhile in Ireland can reveal.

The announcement was made by Seamus O’Donovan, the Director-General of the Prison Service of Ireland at a function held at the prison yesterday morning.

The function was attended by esteemed guests, which included the Taoiseach Leo Varadkar, the Minister for Justice Charlie Flanagan, members of the Mountjoy visiting committee, the press and forty-five selected inmates.

A new initiative

Mr O’Donovan said; “This is a relatively new initiative designed to give those on long sentences something to do — it can be hard and to be honest a bit boring here in Mountjoy to be facing into a long sentence of perhaps sixteen-years and suddenly realise that you have feck-all to fill the days with.

“We like to give our inmates, or as we call them, our long-stay guests something constructive to do to fill their time. There is only so much time one can spend in the gym, sauna, meditation room or watching Netflix on fifty-inch colour TVs,” he conceded.

South Dublin doesn’t cut it

“I suppose to be fair to the few inmates from South Dublin that we have here they did their best but to be honest their accent just really doesn’t cut it here in ‘the Joy’.

“To be really honest, we have very few prisoners from South Dublin, they just don’t seem to have as many criminals out in the ‘better-class’ suburbs and the few that we do get, try to pretend that they’re from the North-side so they’ll appear like hard-men.

“Jaysus it’s a laugh having those white-collar lads — bankers and ex-solicitors most of them — trying to let on that they’re from Coolock. It makes the job worth it.”

North Dubs delighted

Accepting the award on behalf of the North Side Inmates Elocution Group, Fonsey ‘The Knife’ Mulligan said; “Ah here, lads, I’m absolutely fecking delighted. In fact, I’m thrilled out of me shagging skull at da recognition that youse have given us.

“To be honest with youse all, this competition has brought a new lease of life to not only us lags on D-Wing but to all the lads in the High-Security block.

“A few of the lads got so wrapped up in the Elocution class and the whole Mountjoy’s Got Talent Sexy Accent Competition that they postponed their monthly roof-top protest and the auld monthly roof-top protest has become a bit of a tradition here in ‘the Joy’.

“It’s great to hear the lads talking with the auld Dublin accent and it scares the sh**e outa the screws — most of dem are fecking culchies and they doesn’t have a fecking clue what the lads be talking about.”

Taoiseach kidnapped

Unfortunately, the award ceremony had to be abruptly halted when twenty-three of the inmates started a diversionary riot, while six other lads who were serving ten-years each for armed robbery, kidnapped the Taoiseach and hijacked his state-car to escape. 

The car was later found burnt-out outside a Chinese takeaway in Crumlin. The Taoiseach is reported as still being missing and a Garda search is expected to commence over the next few days when manpower becomes available.