If you score eight out of ten of these signs that you might be an absolute eejit, then face up to it, you are.
The rest of the world has idiots, but not here in Ireland.
In Ireland, we have very few idiots but we do seem to be plagued with that particular class of Irish person that we refer to as an ‘absolute eejit’.
Many times, while engaged in the Irish sport of either hairdresser-or barroom gossip, or even at a sports fixture or work, you will hear the saying “ah, Jaysus he/she is an absolute eejit.”
I’m sure you must have been called an eejit at some stage in your life, but have you ever wondered how much of an absolute eejit you might actually be?
Take this little quiz that we’ve scientifically put together to find out your score out of ten signs that you are an absolute eejit.
10. You believe everything — especially if you read it on Facebook
You believe everything you’re told, especially if you read it on Facebook. You may have used the phrase, “I mean, they wouldn’t post it if it wasn’t true, would they?”
This particularly applies to conspiracy theories about COVID, Trump, and 5G.
9. Fashion-conscious — for goodness sake, just tuck your shirt in
Ladies, you are an absolute eejit if you wear your pyjamas to the supermarket. Seriously, no one should see your fat-behind first thing in the morning.
And lads, seriously think about that ‘Builders Bum’ when next you go shopping for pants.
It’s a true sign that you’re an absolute eejit if you can’t at least remember to tuck your t-shirt in.
8. Self-praise is no praise — no one cares how big your house is
If you find that you’re always talking about how much you’ve achieved, or the size of your bank balance, car, or house, then you’re well on your way to attaining full eejit status.
7. Arguing loudly for no reason — saying it louder doesn’t make you right
Arguing loudly for absolutely no reason can be a sure sign that, when people call you an absolute eejit, they might just be right.
This is especially true if you believe that raising your voice will somehow validate your argument. Think about the old saying, “An empty vessel makes the most noise.”
6. Parking badly — if it takes you more than three manoeuvres, just give up
It’s a well known scientific fact that absolute eejits — and most women — simply can’t park.
You know the type, the guy or girl who blocks traffic for an hour while they do a sixty-five point manoeuvre to fit a tiny car into a space big enough for an eighteen-wheeler. Eejits.
5. Can’t deal with technology — no one should take that long at the self-checkout
You’ve worked in the same office for ten-years and still can’t figure out how the photocopier works, you can’t download an app for your phone, or even try to use the self check-out.
Give yourself a point if any of these apply.
4. You trust politicians — seriously?
You can’t say you trust politicians in this day and age, with all the stuff going on at the moment. Ah, just think about it.
Oh, and the same thing applies when it comes to bankers.
3. The only one left listening — you’re not Mother Teresa
Have you ever noticed that everyone seems to want to share their burdens with you?
If you’re the supportive friend who keeps listening to someone else’s sob story long after all your mates have lost interest and left, then you’re either Mother Teresa or an absolute eejit.
Chances are the latter.
2. The last man standing — wait, didn’t you buy the last round too?
How come, in the perpetual game of buying rounds, you always seem to get stuck with the most expensive round?
And when one of your mates suggests, “Just one for the road,” everybody turns to you.
If this occurs frequently, award yourself another point.
1. You’re always right — in short, you’re not
You’ve never held a hurley, passed a rugby ball, or played any sport in your life. Yet, you feel competent enough to criticise every referee, manager, and professional sports player ever to grace a pitch.
Added to that, the last book you read was The Famous Five go Camping with Timmy the Dog, and yet you allow yourself the freedom to rant and rave on social media, contradicting people who might actually know what they’re talking about while also constantly trolling other absolute eejits just like yourself.
Well, there we are; ten signs you are an absolute eejit. How many did you score? Answers on a postcard, please.
This article is satire. Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend. However, if you are offended, please inform us formally via a letter. You can ensure it gets to us by placing it in the nearest recycling bin.