We set out five reasons why the Easter Rising wasn’t perhaps the best idea ever and why we might have been better off if it never happened and we stayed in the Glorious British Empire.
Let’s face it, not only Ireland but the UK and the whole of Europe is in a bit of a mess. Only God knows what’s coming around the corner.
Brexit is probably the biggest threat to a harmonious Europe since the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand, which sparked the First World War.
In this article, we explain how the 1916 rising and the subsequent birth of the Irish nation may not have been the best idea since the sliced pan.
1. We were Grand
“Ah Shur we’re grand thanks,” was the answer most Irish people, back in 1915, would have given if asked, “how’s it going there Paddy?”
But no! In the typical politician attitude of “we know what’s good for you lads,” the leaders of the rebellion — a raggle-taggle collection of poets, artists and a few odd trade unionists — decided that we wanted a revolution, without a thought to the consequences.
2. It caused more problems
Anyway, and we all know the story, the Easter rising started the ball rolling for more problems.
Next up you had the war for independence then the treaty negotiations and the subsequent border. All sorts of problems.
Seriously! If we had stayed as part of the Empire, we’d have no border, no backstop, and no hassle.
Plus, look at the advantages, we could claim Man United, The Beatles and Posh Spice as being Irish and then told everyone that Westlife, Boyszone and Ryan Tubridy were really English. In other words, we could have been British when it suited us or proudly Irish when it suited us. A bit like what the Welsh do, and it hasn’t done them any harm, has it?
3. Our Sports teams would have faired better
This whole Rising and independence lark fecked-up our chances in the World and European Cups, The Olympics and countless other International sporting competitions.
Had we lessened our nationalistic tendencies there would have been a lot less emphasis on chasing a ball around the field with sticks or Gaelic Football.
More time would have been spent learning and training for what the GAA refer to as “foreign sports.”
Just imagine how great we could be at rugby, soccer, water polo and cricket had we not been forced to tog out for the parish under-fourteen hurling team when we were kids.
4. ‘Honest’ Politicians
Just think, had our seat of government been London instead of the Dáil bar, Buswell’s hotel or even a tent at the Galway Races for the past few decades we’d never have had all the political scandals which have fecked-up the country.
Let’s face it again, can you imagine an English prime minister wearing a duffle coat and stuffing bags of unaccounted for cash into the boot of his car? Not really the done thing is it?
No, you can blame the lads of 1916 for our unique code of political standards.
5. The Bloody Weather
When you look at it most of the countries that stayed in either the Empire or Common Wealth have brilliant weather.
Take Australia and Jamaica for example. But no, we had to be smart and leave. Jaysus, just look at the shagging summers we get now.
There you have it, five reasons why we should have stayed in the empire and left well enough alone.
It’s not only the Brexit Backstop stuff, but life would have been a lot simpler had they stayed at home eating their Easter eggs and left the GPO alone.
Disclaimer
This article is satire. Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend. However, if you are offended, please inform us formally via a letter. You can ensure it gets to us by placing it in the nearest recycling bin.
